before dawn update mid-conference…

it’s not even six am, which is when i have to wake up, but due to fighting off some sickness all week i woke up at 5:30, my chest no longer able to be supine. the clearing out of my body is cause pan is moving in. he entered my lungs yesterday and began pushing grief up and out of the surface. grief for mu and for a former me. having to assimilate into the rank system even more but still maintain who i am. using the linear mind to play the patriarchal game. i am so thankful for school and for my cohort. i am a completely different person after being in school for a year. it’s pure magic, what happens. the inner transformation that comes from being challenged by being placed in an environment not comfortable, not easy, not like vajra with people speaking the language of mu and being who i am shines easily through, but to let go and be even more raw, without nestling into a sense of tribe. ironically finding tribe in a foreign land. i say these things in earnest. i don’t live in a sense of linear time, my life did not start at michelle’s birth, but way before. nor will it end at michelle’s death. the story of mu is all i have left to speak about the old world, the world that makes sense to me, gone from this world except in the stories told. this story is my treasure. she warned me not to fall into the trap of shadow love. switch of subject, sort of, and i am being cryptic. this entire blog is cryptic. i am a maze of cryptic this morning. it’s the only way to speak the language without getting caught. it’s the way of secrets. i don’t even really know what i am saying, wink wink. back down to the ground. day three of school, the tired point, but excited to be listening to the way she teaches, her quotes, her magic. i am using too many commas. the silence of morning is where it’s at. i am digging this. give me more silent mornings. i will wake early and eager to capture this feeling of what it is like to write inside this tenderness. like being inside of the mouth of a waking dragon. i am gonna type till i have to get dressed, soon. soon i will be in her car, on the way. soon we will get bagels. then back to the blue room and another day of listening and breaking into groups. the entire month ahead will be a test of strength, with all these papers we gotta do, with the winter creeping in, and me wanting to move. i am changing rapidly from pan entering my insides and also from the outsides being consumed by difficult tasks requiring me to dig deep into my mind and uproot my body. i feel ready for it though. i am no longer holding on to something behind me.

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