no edit non-linear soil soaked ramble posted and left alone…

i am listening to kate bush, hounds of love album. just showered off the day. long day of school. my passions are activated and yet submerged. “come on baby, come on darling, let me steal this moment from you now, come on angel, come on come on darling, let’s exchange the experience” wails in my ears. her music is food for my soul. i am eating my passion. how can i get it to go outward instead? to not be denied. to not be denied…

pan is awakening. warm fiery glow is pouring through my veins. celebration and hibernation.

all day talking about being an agent and target. how to address oppression from both sides. all i can do was absorb, express anger, and then…become the sea….

so much love for other(s). my love for other(s) today near bulldozed me down….beauty like honeysuckles in summer, like tad poles and fox holes, like the full atlantic moon over ocean city when my thighs were rubbing together on a humid night, with krissy, listening to the cure and the smiths, wishing to meet boys. love like kissing the lotus feet of gurus who are my friends and cohort mates. lotus feet are feet who have walked little through chaos and unbridled screams, dove into false refuge, climbed back out, and slowly we heal our broken hearts.

love like pan for isis inside of me. he needs her for liberation. she needs him to be her ground. she is his freedom. he is her home. she is his meaning. he is her warmth. like geb and nut, he is earth and she is sky. he is feeling and she is wise. the night sky, constellated and twinkling complexes into the bloodstream…

who am i now?

every commitment requires as much shadow as light she said but i am paraphrasing. i want to make this commitment. i am already making it inside. everything inside is a grand underworld celestial kingdom with the most beautiful light at dawn. upper world dawn. the middle world is where she stitches wounds but that can’t be all the time. she needs to to take pan to the sea and put him on a paddle board. she needs herself, to dive into the sea unbridled. she needs to feel the slow roll of thoughts inside the palm of his lies. her lies alongside his, drooling away into the sea. goodbye.

only honesty now….

sneezing. dna changing. fourth dimensional thought forms that don’t belong to me, leaving. cages breaking. crowds dispersing.

cloudbusting plays now. my favorite kate bush song maybe. tonight it is. last night it was the saxaphone song. and wuthering heights. “oh let me have it, let me grab your soul.” feeling the honey like longing spike the shadows with sweetness that reminds me of those honeysuckles again.

childhood: honeysuckles, tadpoles, brown rivers, pulling onions from the ground and eating them, eating crab apples and blackberries, riding blue around and around the ring, hoping they wont pick me to canter, breaking the rules secretly, the feeling of witch hazel relaxing us like a drug when we put it on our face with a cotton ball, baby powder fights in the rain, cockroaches as big as rats, duran duran, walking through the woods alone, jen jen the cat…”your suns coming out, your suns coming out.”

being non-linear feels so good. i crave puddles, secrets, passageways that go down, luminescent creatures, the softness of having nothing to do but walk around, the sound of a helicopter over head breaks the silence…

so many futures can happen before we die…so many nows….

“i’d tune into some friendly voices, talking about stupid things, i can’t be left to my imagination, let me be weak, let me sleep, and dream of sheep.”

feminine me crying in denial, please please let me be soft, please please let me long and dream and make this life as i want to…

but the nightmare comes…

it came a long long time ago. this is the story, you cannot walk away from it. so here we are, juggling the past into the present as we’ve been told. anger. anger. don’t take this away from me. but it’s too late, you already have. no, you can’t have anymore. you can’t go any deeper. you must stay out!

in this song she falls into the cold lake. light and dark, this album is profound. kate bush, hounds of love. listen to it…

time for me to sleep now…..

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