forgotten dreams, forgotten treasures. only a sliver is left to memory. past life as a salem witch with a friend who exists in this life (whose pendant i am wearing every day right now.) very archetypal. and to bring synchronicity into the mix, this morning on facebook, a few of my friends did the “what kind of witch are you” test. the feeling is one of being hunted or accused. it is also one of having power. power equals death and accusation. power equals bad. from freudian type fixation dreams to this. i feel my insides all ablaze with change as my ego confronts the unconscious. five hour conversation with a wizard yesterday feels like a blur today. the contents of the talk has become water nourishing soil for seeds to grow. interesting how only one foot into the forest and i feel my aura unwind and my psyche open. i need that, one day. i need to live either against the forest again, as i did growing up, or by the sea. nature calls to me. but the city grips, for i love it just as much. thing is, i got a female part and a male part inside. the female me is a celestial goddess, like isis. the male part is an earthly god, like pan. i guess osiris is pan. duh. but you could also say i am geb and nut, male earth and female sky from the old egyptian myth, but i am gonna be me and mix up the archetypes how they feel to be. the marriage of the masculine and feminine within me. by having this marriage i don’t necessarily need to be with an earthly god on the outside, because i am completing myself inside, fully self possessed. though i feel that he might be earthy anyways, the attraction to earthly may continue to exist. i am open and who knows. love has an agenda of its own and is in control, not me. one poetic thing said last night was that just as much as my inner female is finding home in the gravitational earthly force of the inner masculine…that my inner masculine is finding meaning and liberation through the wise celestial feminine….and so perhaps externally i will be my true love’s liberation and my true love will be my root. it’s just a sentiment stemming from a romantic pan-centric heart space. pan loves to be in love. isis sees the patterns above and is not sentimental. she is more devotional and all encompassing like the night sky wrapping herself around the masculine earth because without him, she cannot shine bright. this is how it is on the inside. without my masculine side my feminine side is instantly lost and close to vaporization. interesting that in my personal masculine-feminine matrix, it is the male who is sentimental and emotional, while the feminine is more mental, misty, and detached. after i merged with pan a few weeks ago my emotions awakened greatly. i cannot intellectualize my feelings with the return of pan, he keeps bringing isis home to the body, over and over in every moment. the rejected masculine is no longer rejected, i have reclaimed him. he no longer needs to rule the underworld all alone. the alchemical marriage is in process. i am sucking the underworld into my celestial soul and we are becoming one. i am skating surfaces in blog, which makes me itch to delve deep and write about this from the core. wow, those few minutes i sat in silence in the house in the forest, i went so deep. only two minutes in, and i was no longer in the mind, but deeper. i cannot forget this. my body craves nature. i need nature. i need a way to get more of it. how long, how long will i say this and not get it? how long will the city grid ensnare me? i love being ensnared by the city grid. soon as i got off the bus back downtown i felt at home. i have two homes. i have two modes. i have two perspectives. i am ok with being one person with two opposing perceptions. they can compliment each other. i am the song “leather and lace” by stevie knicks, inside of myself. i dedicate that song to me. true love is within.