before dawn rambling…

not sure why i woke up at 5:30 instead of 6:30. maybe it’s the wind. i have time to shower before school. going to school during this stormy weather should be interesting. yesterday i felt pretty strange. my brain is a tornado but my heart is a field of daisies. i am wearing a golden robe. the sun is blue. things are not as they seem. i am a version of you. what am i even saying? riffing. rambling. got a a few minutes before a shower. dreamed of infusing a bracelet for a new friend, with goddess power. slept quick but hard. in a surreal landscape inside this heart. finished the jung dream analysis book. painted a little bit. watched the movie “sixteen candles,” and realized how campy it is. the eighties are so dated now. but i don’t feel dated. and yet i do. i feel death on my lips all the time. read a beautiful story on leonard cohen’s life. he is ready for death, he says. i never knew how spiritual he is. i relate to him. this country, what to even say. pity us? we have to somehow get ourselves out of this mess. it’s always been bad but now the bad is surfacing to levels beyond the pain and deception we are used to. no life should be wasted. i don’t want to war with my words. this country has enough hate in it. i feel the desire to stay rooted in awareness and love no matter how much it hurts. well, better keep this short. seattle is being creepy. i can feel the thin veil already. a more prolific me would be painting what i see with my inner vision. i am painting it but too slow, too much like a cow in a pasture. i just cannot seem to move with the speed of passion. my passions are cooled to the point of their molting. i feel so removed from engaging in anything so luxurious as passion. does that sound like complaining? you know what annoys me? when people complain about complainers. complain away, get it off your chest! i am all about the vent, it clears the cobwebs. maybe it’s the new yorker in me. on the singles app i am on but never use, some guy kept mentioning that he does not take life or himself seriously. no man could be more opposite me than this. i have a side that doesn’t, but i take the state of the world and myself quite serious. it’s just a constitution maybe. nothing wrong with the guy who does not, just noting how i much i do. and then i don’t. we all have our surrender points. we all have the moment life changes us. or the year, or the decade. there’s also the privilege thing. not everybody has the privilege to not take themselves seriously. tough i suppose that even the most battered down human could still be laughing at themselves. variety. at the same time time i feel the difference of the well off white guy who spends his time in nature when not making good money. he works hard and plays hard and has the luxury to move about this country without oppression’s tornado like force. so many people lack empathy and awareness of how we are treated shaping who we are. true, we have to be stronger than the outside. also true, only very few are and it’s another privilege. individuation is real. strengths and weaknesses are real. oppression is real. conditioning is real. oneness is real. overcoming obstacles is real. it’s all real. how to honor the effect of all the aspects? no choosing some effects while ignoring others. read up on the seven steps of alchemy yesterday too. feeling it. in another life, i am an alchemist with a lab. in this life my lab is me and i am doing it…

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