another intense dream last night. i was visited by a possum. it came into my home and was very sweet, came right up to me, looked me in the eyes and wanted to be my friend. due to fearing it might make me sick with some disease, i decided i would not befriend it, which made me feel sad. soon as i decided against being its friend, the possum left as if knowing telepathically i was refusing its friendship.
next, i am being visited by a close friend. i have a vile a blood i am scared to deal with. can’t remember why in waking. i show her and blood spurts out. i am scared. it switches and my friend doesn’t want to go out, she wants to take a shower. i am upset because she is only here two days and i feel she is being ridiculous for wanting to go to bed so early, but i don’t tell her. she tells me to go out by myself, have an ice cream sandwich or glass of wine. i don’t want to imbibe anything.
i leave, go to various places, a concert, stores. i am restless. i call her up and tell her how exciting the city feels, like san francisco, but she doesn’t want to come out and she falls asleep while listening to me talk. i am offended, hang up, and continue to prance around the city restlessly until i am bored. on the way back i am running and like, flying through the air…and then the dream goes slo-mo, i am leaping like a deer in slow motion and it’s pure bliss. i get to the front of some line and cut in front of others innocently but still cutting without a care like a fool. then i do these body tricks one can only do if they are a master breakdancer and it’s so easy and fulfilling.
i wake up…
soon as i woke up i began analyzing. the tarot really helped me out. showed me that the possum was a positive omen of my heart opening. me saying no to its friendship due to fearing getting sick was me choosing disappointment over joy. out of fear, i did not let the possum into my life. even though classic symbolism speaks of the possum revealing some form of deception or appearances, in my dream she/he felt very sweet. also, i was just sharing with a friend two days ago about how i feel at home in the underworld. i know this sounds so “goth” but it’s just a truth for me. i feel love and comfort being in the underworld. not in the sense of being in pain or suffering, no…but as being a guide in the underworld, as pan is the guide of the underworld and part of me is pan. so makes sense a creature of the night would be an omen of sweetness for me. me refusing to let him/her in is the message. my true self says, “open your heart to the sweetness even it appears dark or scary.” this is the working message thus far…
the blood vile part…hmmmm….wisdom shows up for this when pulling cards. family of origin? blood wisdom? fear of contamination was feared by me in the dream….more later on this part…fear fear fear.
the close friend visiting but not wanting to go out and telling me to go out alone reveals two messages from the cards, that align. one: the romantic ideal with strong limitations attached. two: not being with a partner even though he is around. again, choice is revealed by tarot. with the possum i chose fear over love. in this circumstance, i chose to be out in the city and to try to get over it, verses express my upset and/or dwell on my disappointment. interesting how i did not want ice cream or wine when in real life i tend toward hedonism. possible dream ego compensation? feels like it. my dream persona found more pleasure in body movement than anything. she wanted to move, she felt so happy in her energetic body. imbibing was of little interest to her. my waking ego is more like the friend visiting, how often i go to bed early and don’t want be out at night. compensation seems to be a theme here.
the over all message from tarot opens up thoughts about city and suburbia life, as well as complexes the context of the dream represented. literal and psychological. the compensation aspect is effecting me this morning. the san francisco part stands out too, for when i lived there, i was really extroverted and all about city life. this is a big part of my happiness. have i been denying this part of myself and is this part connected to not letting the possum into my life? as for complexes…i don’t want to discuss this here. i am still trying to understand my complexes through a jungian lens. more on this later…
this dream is haunting me to the point i needed to novel it out in blog this morning. after pulling cards i see that there is something big about changes in my life and opening my heart, intersecting. i wonder if i am assuming or trying to take on a persona that is not me when i think about moving to the burbs, being a therapist, getting older? like, what part of me says the city bohemian must die just because i am getting older and choosing a more traditional career?
my true self may be trying to unravel me out of some black and white persona creations. when i really reach down to the core, i am helping people on this planet, no matter what form it takes. this is my heart. i don’t need to be a different person just because i am transitioning from mystic to therapist. plus, the two will integrate after the initial dive into therapy during my apprenticeship. this makes me think of that vile of blood and my family. my family is conservative, not politically, but in their personas. they are regular career, marriage, family, suburbia people as far as personas are concerned. i am the different one. does this scare me as i get older? do i believe i must create a more “legit” persona? ah, i sense a complex emerging in my awareness…about being me. now i understand the befriending of possum perhaps teaching me how to have appearances or a persona that is helpful without sacrificing my true nature. here is where the gold is…i can feel it.
i could write ten more pages on this. my psyche is a whirlwind of thoughts and understanding right now. the stormy weekend is here and it’s dredging up the shadows and putting me into a very contemplative space. this is what i mean by feeling at home in the underworld. it’s not a bad thing. it’s not about suffering or loving pain or anything “goth”. it’s about loving stormy skies and deep reflection. it’s about loving helping others through their suffering and living in the realm where lost shadows dwell in order to illuminate them and return the sweet lost shadows to their owners. it’s about unconditional love. there is luminosity here. it’s not a fiery hell. it’s not a dehydrated nightmare. all is love and all is spirit, underworld included. i am not talking about brutality and violence either, nothing horrific…those are actions that happen because the shadow is denied and those actions don’t happen in the underworld, they happen in the middle world, the word of activity.
it’s hard to explain right now and it is not my intention to explain. my intention is to ramble and express that it is…samhain season…the veil is thin and i am alive with telepathy and chthonic succulence…this is my happy place….