persona dreams and pan’s tears…

when i think about living in the u-district i feel calm. i feel a sense of home. maybe because i lived there before? or maybe because of a simply a feeling. i realize i don’t have to move to the east side where everything feels so unfamiliar and strange. this progress of thought feels deeper than logic. it feels like my heart is able to attune more to what i truly need as a creature. this may be progress from the jungian work i have been doing with myself. speaking of…yesterday i read most of an entire book on jungian dream interpretation and theory, gobbling it down like it was a delicious meal. one aspect that stuck in my brain was about persona dreams, which are dreams about the persona shifting. the persona is the part of the ego consciousness that relates to the world in a social context. our social mask and identity. first the idea of it stood out in my brain and then i had a persona dream last night. it was awesome! in the dream i was in a classroom of sorts, as a student. the teacher said out loud to the whole class something about me true (of which i cannot remember) followed by, “and michelle also looks old and she’s gaining weight.” as soon as she was finished talking i said back, “the first part you said was true but i don’t look old and i am not gaining weight, in fact, i have been losing weight lately.” i cannot remember when or how but i also think i told her to fuck off. this was clearly a powerful persona shifting dream that stems from childhood roots of being the outcast or bad. this dream tells me that i have overcome some damage done. my persona is standing up for myself to authority. my persona is being self loving and self protecting. i learned so much about dream analysis from that book, but i think i need to read it again as soon as a finish. there is a lot of heady language to absorb into the heart. i also want to note that after meeting with a friend yesterday and sharing my story of merging with pan, then reading the jung book afterward, i had more realizations. the first one is that by merging with pan i merged with an archetype in the collective unconscious, which is always the deeper root beneath the personal unconscious. this is very cool to me. though i have been warned not to get overly fascinated by the archetype itself and to stay focused on the psychological implications of the merging. in doing that i see and feel a siphoned archetypal animus return to me. though pan is also a shadow archetype, very misunderstood and ostracized by the patriarchy, just like i was a child. no wonder. anyhow, in merging with him i am noticing how good it feels to let out human emotions, to be a creature, to get out of the head, to simply express. last night i cried my eyes out for everything all at once. there were no distinctions of why. no head. only tears for the world and me and everyone. tears unleashing while listening to sad songs loudly with headphones on. music and crying felt like soul food, not like something bad or wrong was happening. i cannot explain why, but i knew it was pan in me doing the crying, after all these years of being externalized away from me. i slept like an infant and then had that cool dream. becoming more whole brings me a feeling of joy just to be alive. i feel held by myself. i feel self generating. i feel complete. onward…

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