thoughts like scattered crumbs, heart like a pigeon…

thinking i might move to the u-district instead of the east side cause there are express busses that go right to bellevue. thinking of finding a roommate or house share. i like the u-district for it’s artsy theaters, vegan restaurants, campus life, and cheaper rent. i like the idea of living with other students even if they are younger. my body may be 43 but i truly feel 33 in my heart. we shall see. the idea feels grounding and comforting, familiar. i may rather have a longer commute to my internship than be in suburbia without a car. i feel like i would need a car to move east unless i was in downtown bellevue, which is too expensive. pragmatism over idealism is the name of my current flow. it’s all good yo. i said that only to rhyme. intense dreams last night that i don’t want to write about here. both dreams last night and night before seem to portend to either compensation dreams or leveling up. maybe both. i don’t know. right now all i am doing is building and breathing through continual fear and sorrow with happiness strewn throughout when i am hanging out with a friend. i need to be creative. i am tired of analysis a little bit. the sky is blue again this morning. i turned the heat on for the first time, it is my only chance to get on the mat. being cold makes me skip it like i did yesterday. i am slipping right now and very aware of it. i need cheaper rent so i can join a yoga studio, because i think i may need the push through winter. felt so good to get back to vegan eating yesterday. that clean conscience and clean body feeling. there is so much to eat not animal. oatmeal, lentils and quinoa, apples and peanut butter, italien style pasta with pea protein crumbles and vegan cheese, vegan cheese quesadillas, salads, rice and beans, roasted veges, tofu scrambles, hummus and chips, stir fries of all kinds, thai and indian dishes, on and on. my fridge is packed. now to get back on the friggen matt. oy. it’s hard. i want to lose all focus and just walk. yoga requires it all, mind to body to soul. my heart’s not in it, i admit. another lesson in discipline without rigidity. i keep thinking of trump’s stupid remarks on pussy grabbing and the rape culture that is pervasive in this country. when did sexuality go wrong? that’s a rhetorical question. i feel a lot of anger and a wish for every girl to grow up strong. but how many girls don’t? when i was only eleven years old i remember being stuck in my best friend’s bedroom while this guy was in bed with her. we were all eleven. he kept asking her which hole she wanted to be f*cked in. sorry for the graphic content if it offends. she kept saying, “i don’t know” shyly, and he kept repeating the question over and over, for minutes this went on. her older sister recused me from the room by knocking on the door and taking me out of there, because i was unable to excuse myself due to whatever reason. not too long afterward my friend joined us. the boy was gone and so was her virginity. the memory fills me with sorrow. uh, why did i bring this up? time to get on the mat, my disturbed mind is sinking me in too deeply. i want to do something about rape culture. you know how they say, “choose your battles?”

i wonder how i can be more of a voice?

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