heart speak loudeth this morning…

i woke up from a dream where my mom is getting up from grassy ground, birds are clinging to her, and she just cuddled a bat that is now sitting in a box in the garage. i am asking her how she got the bat to cuddle her. she is explaining it to me as she is getting up, but while getting up she is also doing a yoga pose, and about a dozen sparrows are hanging closely around her body flapping their little wings. after she explains how to cuddle the bat she says, “cancer is rigidity” and then i wake up. before that i was telling her how i will use my degree to life coach people but as a therapist, instead of being a life coach or hypnotherapist. i think it’s the perfect idea. before that i am teaching classes with jordan peterson, not at a college, something like a seminar. there are a lot of people present. it’s a whole new level for me because he is a mentor and i am used to being ignored. what do i make of these dreams? bat represents the quickest and most direct way through the shadows. i was scared of cuddling it but i wanted to at the same time, much like i feel about this grad school/therapist path and about life. i want to cuddle this life, but i am scared of it. my mother was like a goddess with those birds around her. telling me cancer is rigidity can only make sense in that i have been contemplating rigidity with evy all weekend, about the vegan path, about spiritual paths, and in general. we both feel great resistance toward rigidity. yesterday i discovered little bits of bacon in the greens i got for lunch. i realized it within the third bite. decided it was more respectful to eat the animal versus throw away his or her life. had i thrown away his or her life it would be due to rigidity to the rule of not eating animals. eating his or her life over wasting his or her life was the honorable choice for me in terms of why i am vegan in the first place. for dinner i fell off the wagon though, and ate cheese again because i was craving it. the craving felt so strong that i felt if i refused it, i would grow resentment inside. i am on this vegan path for the long game and understand that if i allow cheese when the craving is immense, which is only sometimes, i will return to vegan eating with the next meal, emotions subsided. this is discipline without rigidity that allows me to build strength over time. this path is not about rigidity. it is about protesting the cruel treatment of animals. period. nothing else, even if there is secondary gain in how great my body feels. i accidentally watched two seconds of factory farm brutality on a pig while watching some netflix show about relationships. those two seconds brought me to a tsunami of tears within an instant. it breaks my heart to see such brutal treatment happen. this motivates my protest every single day because i cannot bare the holocaust of animals. as i type about it the image returns and it torments me so much. i have to use every tool in my kit to try to ignore it and continue my protest. mercy for the animals is what i ask for each day. it was sad saying goodbye to evy last night. i cried on the walk home from the light rail. it felt good to have a day to day buddy. being alone is not my favorite thing right now. i am fine with it and love the solitude of morning time, just acknowledging how i am ready for partnership on a very ordinary level. anyhow, back to life, back to reality. glad i took those few days off. we broke ground with our conversation a few times. she hadn’t visited in two or three years, so we were really due. time is so limited these days. i feel like i don’t have enough of it on the regular. the blue sky is breaking through the clouds this morning. i am thankful because if today was the rainy dishwater grey sky of saturday i might not rise to the occasion. today, i am rising…

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