finished the mad men series last night. cried. what a sad group of characters and brilliantly made piece of art. great acting, amazing sets, and cinematography. dreamed about what happened to them happening to me. i was in some company losing its identity and being absorbed by a mammoth company who cares only of making a profit. maybe cause it was so sad to see joan, the most, lose her sense of home as partner doing work she loved. although all of them lost, being a woman and being treated like a sex object, a nothing, and a threat the moment they entered the big conglomerate…broke my heart to watch her go through it. how normalized it was (and still is in many places) for women to be treated as second class, to be directed and owned by men. also i am empathing because my thing right now is feeling a longing for home on a deeper level. joan’s connection with her coworkers at sterling cooper were her family…to watch her family be drowned out into the mega-company…really…got…to…me and the grief bubbling in my insides. so i dreamed about it, but in my dream the focus was on ethics. i don’t remember anymore but there were tiers of ethics, like the judgement tier, morality tier. i dunno. it’s lost to me now. all i recall is that i was very interested in the topic of ethics and sad about my work home being absorbed by a larger company. i also finished jung’s memories, dreams, reflections yesterday and was reading about his take on ethics within spirituality, morality more so. once again, i am feeling the weight of injustice in this world. mad men really brings it out because the prejudice is so overt and normalized, though a hundred years from now somebody will say that about these times too. progress is slow. laws have changed and the psychological healing process changes, as well as re-traumatizing happening due to the harm of prejudice still occurring en masse. this world is harsh and hard. i have fallen off the yoga wagon this week too. only did it once so far this week. each morning i keep not wanting to do it and not having the discipline to get on my mat. this morning i will try again to get there. i wanted to make a mental note about the vegan journey i am on. i do it purely for ethical reasons (after finding out how cruel the organic farms are as well). i do not want to eat life was cruelly killed or treated to make a product that goes into my mouth. this is the motivator, always. yet as i am now in my third month, i notice i no longer experience any inflammation in my body. if bloat from food, it’s a tiny bloat, usually from msg or eating too much. otherwise, the inflammation i was experiencing all the time, has vanished. i never feel like a rock is in my belly either. food never sits in my belly. nothing takes too long to digest and it makes me feel cleaner and leaner, even though i have not really lost weight, i don’t think. maybe i have, but it’s the feeling that is amazing. not being inflamed feels wonderful. it’s important to get all the right nutrition to not get weak though. i have to eat lentils most days of the week. i also put grade b molasses in my oatmeal each morning which i can feel is giving my cells tons of nutrition. i have been eating too many frivolous carbs like white rice noodle cause of pho or thai food mainly, but i also find that my body digests carbs great without the diary in my body. in the past these carbs caused inflammation. now i am realizing it was the low level dairy. i did not consume a lot, but daily i put cream in my coffee, ate a little cheese, eggs, or dairy in sauces. all in all, my body never felt better being vegan, and this is the secondary gain. now if only i can get back on my mat. do it for me, me. do it for balance. do it for the foundation. i am swept up in the wind storm of change, fear, and sorrow in the back-round, so subtle. consciously, i feel calm and just in a mood to work and lay low. underneath that is this wind storm building in strength. maybe it’s that fire. i can tell because if i start to enjoy myself too much i get anxious. i know myself all too well. need to get on the mat (repeat). trust is a light. the light when all lights go out. the light i live by. trust, drive my vehicle. trust, permeate my unconscious. trust, be the fire that purifies, water that cleanses, earth that supports, and air that communicates. trust, i am you and you are me.