vegas nostalgia and northwest ode…

deep dreaming again last night but i don’t remember much. toward the end of my dreaming it was much like my trip to portland a few weeks ago. a bunch of the vegas crew were all together and hanging out every day. the comfort of it in the dream was profound. then at the last minute, right before i awoke, victor showed up in my dream. i screamed, “victor!” and he came rushing up to me, in full drag, black long evening gown, make up, i think he was even carrying a wand. i was so happy to see him. victor was a big part of my vegas life for about two years. we were unhealthily attached at the hip, sleeping in the same bed each night, spending every waking minute together when i wasn’t in class. i was in love with him as best as i could be in love with somebody in those days. vegas is coming up in my dreams a lot lately, as well as the portland trip happening only a few weeks ago. my psyche is wanting to go there. in those days i was all about being a spiritual healer mamma bear, even though i was in crisis mode myself. i think i miss the comfort of that underworld we lived in together. the comfort of meeting every night at copioh, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes till midnight, talking endlessly about everything deep, going to a diner to eat afterward, trying to pay for as many people as possible on twenty bucks, bringing half of them home with me to crash on my floor, waking up together and doing it all again. i was finishing up my bachelors degree then. why am i missing it so much? is it a sense of home that is haunting me? feels like it. i feel so homeless in the heart sense. i don’t feel home anywhere but within myself. the “east side” feels anonymous. capitol hill is being slowly moved into the past as money forces me out. though i could try to stay on the hill with a roommate and make a longer commute to my internship, my soul feels to move on. i do seek the new. i am just in a liminal space. grief is present. my psyche feels like i am in a new dimension. the old life feels like a past life. i feel like i am getting on a ship in the 1800’s and crossing continents to live in a foreign land. i want to say i am not cut out for this world but it’s not true. i am cut out. jung is showing me this with his wisdom that i feel as my own wisdom. i keep being me in each new circumstance and that is the mission…to individuate as michelle fully as i take myself into each new environment. it’s a deep and spiritual mission. there is no escape nor am i craving one. nostalgia replaces escape. i am so nostalgic right now that my heart is viscerally throbbing. i feel lucky i got to experience that vegas heyday. it was only for a small period of time in the nineties that the cafe culture existed and we were all part of one bohemian family of outcasts. it really was romantic even though we suffered. youth partially made it so. that’s when you could get away with ten cups of coffee and half a pack of cigarettes a night. that was before cigarettes became disgusting and when conversation was still the most exciting element of life. i love the synergy of destined groups. i have this with my cohort now. i have it with the vajra family. i seem to always gravitate toward communal hubs and become centered within them, making sure they keep generating from a behind the scenes invisible energetic place. i have to believe that this magic always presents itself in my life. although it was not like that in virginia, the first 23 years of my life. back then i was an isolated person. once i moved to vegas the communal tribe destiny began. it’s as if my soul belongs on the west coast. i am in love with the northwest the most. i just am. there is no because in love, as anais says. i like the friendliness of portland and the way in seattle you can truly keep to yourself in public. i enjoy the moodiness, grey skies, complaining about the winter, coffee obsession, kindness, diplomacy, intellectualism, mysticism, and heart centeredness. i will keep trusting that my body will find a new external home and recreate yet another communal hub for a stint. stress, you are there and you are passenger. trust is the driver…

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