banal rambling on monday…

all of my solitude finally produced work yesterday. it took me days to switch from extroverted social butterfly me to introverted work me after portland. i realize now that i unconsciously created moodiness to help me make the switch. at this point in my self mastery, i cannot just go from hanging out to working. slow progression seems to be how i roll. it makes me sensitive in yet another way. took three days of solitude to get those six hours of productivity in, yesterday. i was productive the other three days too, well…two outta three, but not like i was yesterday. i live for yesterday’s outpour because not only was i productive but i was also inspired. it takes many hours alone to write and read at the capacity i need to for grad school but this extends beyond grad school. writing is my path. like jung, i too desire to write down what i explore, even if i am unsure how yet. i need to learn to cultivate a new lifestyle where i am working with clients, writing, painting, and reading. socializing needs to come last. it needs to be way limited. this is hard in that i happen to have a large network of friends, but not hard because at this age we are all consumed by the responsibility of our lives and social time is brief anyhow. i still get anxiety thinking about it because i have spent so many years hanging out all the time, that it’s become my identity. it’s not that i party or do anything like that, i am just always meeting somebody for meal, a coffee, a drink, a walk. usually every day. this is healthy but what about the work i need to do? is never having enough time an age related thing? each day needs thirty hours. grad school forces me to change. i have to pull back on extroversion because i have deadlines for papers. it is so scary to have deadlines for papers when all i am used to is creative writing with nobody critiquing me. i feel like a turtle all the way. yet when i come out of fear i realize i am enjoying myself. i like writing no matter what form it is in. writing is my favorite thing. when i wrote my novel i did the same thing, i cut back on hanging out, and i discipled myself. it makes me happy to do so. i just need to develop this side of me more. in my perfect world, whomever my mate is, will be cool with this side of me. maybe he has stuff to do too. i worry about things that haven’t happened yet in perfect worlds that don’t exist. my brain can start to rationalize brilliantly too, telling me connections are what life is all about. this is true, but i still need to accomplish what i am here to do. last night i walked home from downtown and fell in love with the city again. the city at night is beautiful. i enjoy walking through the chaos of downtown sometimes. i am comfortable in the belly of the whale. i am such a city rat. how will i ever leave it? i could commute to my internship from here. but it’s too expensive in my apartment. i feel like they are slowly kicking me out. sorrow. money is forcing me to find a roommate. and it makes more sense to move to the east side to be closer to my internship. life is filled with forcing and i can always move back. i don’t know. this whole moving thing is deep, painful, scary. this must be why i keep making big life generalizations. last night, reading jung, i was so moved by his words. jung reaches my deepest inner core. the kinship is unlike i have ever experienced before in terms of exploration of the unconscious. i walked through the fremont market before sitting down to work, yesterday, and was struck by the past. hadn’t been there in years. my heart filled with sentiment for the olden days when i was a wild hippie starseed in my twenties. had i told her how the next twenty years would turn out in terms of external success, well, it would have crushed her spirit. on a positive note, the friends i have made along the way, the journeys i have taken, the people i have helped, how much i have grown, and the art i have made, are all the treasures richer than any external success when i really stop and think about it. i am so much different than i was twenty years ago. i am much stronger, wiser, pragmatic, direct, balanced, healthy, and autonomous. had i told twenty-five year old me how i would turn out inwardly, twenty years later, she’d be elated. sorrow and joy are always slow dancing on the shore of my heart. how’s that for a hallmark card? i realize how serious i take my work and always have. i love the seriousness. like jung or any of the investigators of life who have left behind books for me devour and connect to, the work is my deepest all consuming passion. jung managed to balance his ordinary life with work, anais did it too and she was incredibly extroverted. i am figuring the new lifestyle out…turtle style…

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