solitude, jung, uranus, fire…

day three, no wait….day four of this same feeling and of being completely alone, aside from lunch with a friend yesterday. it’s unlike me to go this long in this state of moody, quiet, internal, sorrowful solitude. usually it only lasts one day and night max. maybe the new moon effected me more, maybe it’s all the change happening at once in my life, maybe it’s the elections and upcoming reality, maybe i caught a little virus, i really don’t know. i don’t feel the sorrow this morning, though i do feel still very quiet and craving solitude. possibly the season changing is bringing on this effect as well. it’s mysterious. reading jung could be part of it too. i realize how similar he and i are, except he made his experience legit among intellectuals, as he describes in the book i am reading. when he talks about who he’d be had he not done that, it describes me perfectly and not in a way i like. i don’t judge myself. i too communicate very easily and continually with the beings that inhabit my unconscious. i communicate more with them than with humans a lot of the time. he had philimon help him make it legit. i wonder if i will call to me somebody new. not my usual beings from the past, but a being that will help legitimize my experience into this western culture as well. though these days, you can be purely “spiritual” and have a practice working with clients, i too find myself drawn to psychology and theory. not sure why. just noticing. noticing how akin to jung i feel, more so than any of my role models and teachers who left us books and now dwell on the other side. anais nin was so psychologically brilliant and insightful but i cannot relate to her lifestyle at all. i can relate to jung’s lifestyle in a way. i too want to be grounded by an ordinary life. i don’t want to be all internal. i hope to finish the book today and move on to the next one. i hope to edit my reflection paper. yesterday i could not even look at it. sometimes i get so sick of myself. i want escape from everything me. this is not a lack of self love or anything like that. it’s more a desire to be free of the same content that has been alive in me for decades. i know my shadow self well. the escape artist. the destroyer. the iconoclast. the misanthrope. round and round the archetypes go. i would love a new being to inhabit my unconscious that could do for me what philimon did for jung. to actually get some place with the knowledge given to me, beyond myself. i also feel not so much interested in astrology or metaphysical knowledge from the same soup i have been steeping in the past twenty years. jung’s soup is where my passion dwells. it is what it is. i follow the passion and let of of what no longer ignites the passion. this just reminded me of a thought i had upon waking, about fire. i said to myself, based on the dream i was coming out of (which i cannot recall) that regret is fire. i understood the distinction between watery emotions and fiery feelings. regret is fire. it burns. do i feel regret? yes i do. i cannot stand the mentality that tries to turn every negative or painful emotional experience into something positive. i have a huge aversion to mind-sets that resist half of any coin. i feel anger in defense of the sacred. regret is sacred. it is sacred fire. i have love, compassion, and forgiveness for the regret. that’s how it works in this realm. we learn through the mistakes made, in retrospect. this learning process is sacred. it is nature. maybe in my fire dream, those cups of water i was using to put out the fire, were cups of my love. sometimes fire needs to burn up the old house anyhow. sometimes fire is stronger than water. the old house is meant to burn up, this is what i keep feeling inside. it is uranus inside of me making me new. a newness i cannot put words to or describe yet…

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