there’s no place like home…

the new moon was last night. spent it alone in softness, reading jung. been feeling very quiet this past week. also tired and emotional and i am not the only one. what is going on? feels like something in the collective unconscious but not astrological per se. my search for a new home, the idea of home, feeling home…all are the hot topics in this brain. how i wish to move into a home i can be in for a long time, a home home…but instead i am seeking a roommate for the short term because that is the reality showing up. how i long to have the security of a sanctuary and how much i am not wanting yet another temporary place. once again, what i want and what i am experiencing are on opposite sides of the fence. i wonder if there will ever come a day i can say, “i have this and it feels good.” i know nothing is the “be all end all” feeling. i am not so immature as to think that anything in the external world will take away all uncomfortable feelings inside. life is a complex journey. people always wanna jump to be all end all conclusions, as if nuance and specificity are lost whenever sorrow arrives. specifics matter. nuance is real. to enjoy a specific external life is legit. i am weary from always focusing on the internal and sacrificing the external. i know i have it good though, at the same time. i am blessed with love and abundance, both for myself and what i receive in life. why even talk about this? i am thinking of stopping blog all together because i am unsure i want to be so public during my internship, with my private self. i am such a public person though, it feels good to always share in blog. we shall see. i am aware of the disgruntled feeling in my heart. that fire dream sits on my psyche sharp and clear too. i feel edgy. this may be why the cards are telling me to take time in sacred solitude. i don’t want to give this vibe to anybody. i don’t want to share how i feel and receive any sort of cliche statements about gratitude and blah blah blah. i will continue to dive into jung. i am sure part of my edginess is that i am writing a paper for school that is bringing up deeper stuff. i also realize that when i write reflection papers i am never sure if i am being authentic. reflection papers are forced. i would rather reflect upon what is authentically active in my psyche. when i force the reflection i feel like i am telling a story about myself that may or may not be true. i become unsure if i am being honest. having to write in the apa format adds to this too. opening and concluding paragraphs are so contrived it messes up my flow. but i surrender to it because i understand the opposite point of view. i know structure is needed for others and i honor that. i am bitching, i know. in a bad mood, i get it. aversion personality is flaring. it’s light though…on the surface. none of this venting is cutting too deep into my heart. well, actually, the home piece is cutting deep. it’s so deep that i am sure my venting is a cover-up and a compensation. really, i wanna break down and cry. i am not talking about shelter, of which i am very grateful for. i am talking about home in the deeper sense. my soul hunger for home is mammoth and aching. i feel like i am living the life of twenty three year old but i am forty three. the venting is just surface irritability to mask a deeper sorrow. i am sad. it just is. in my reflection paper i talk about needing to feel my feelings without intellectualizing them. is this true? i think so. i do always intellectualize feelings into a mental concept. allow me to end this blog with the new moon in libra mind-set of feeling my feelings without the intellectualizing of them. hello sorrow, i greet you and honor you. go ahead and be here. to be honest, i have been working on this for years already. it’s been one of my repeated messages to everybody i read for too. unwrap the story off of the feeling and feel it in its raw form. i am good at this. i just need to take it to new places…

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