joanna…

i am writing a second blog today because i cannot stop thinking about joanna. she died a chunk of months ago, from cancer. she was only twenty six. i met her about three years prior. she was a regular client of mine. we shared the same birthday, november third. she extended an invitation to be my friend outside of the vajra. we did not hang out all too often, maybe a dozen times or so. when we did spend time together, we really connected. we both felt our souls came from a similar place. i remember pushing her through massage school because i did not want her to make the same mistakes i made in the past. joanna felt motherly with me too. she finished school and started her own massage practice. like every deep and spiritual scorpio i know, she went through a lot of pain in life. we related a lot there too. she was finally stepping into a happy place though. she was in a healthy relationship doing her soul work, finding self love. joanna was a model of health. she treated her body like a temple so it’s not logical. i remember when it all began. first as tummy issues. she thought maybe there was an intestinal issue. i remember the night we were drinking a glass of wine at a happy hour and her tongue was hurting real bad. she did know it was cancer yet. i never would have suspected her path would lead to cancer and an early death. i don’t want to talk about joanna’s road of healing once she knew it was cancer. i don’t want to talk about how no cell in my body ever suspected she would die from it. or how i never got to say goodbye. or how months went by with no communication between us cause that’s how we rolled and i felt certain she would heal. but the last time we lost contact was really the last time. life took her life so young and right at the moment she arrived into a really good place. astonishment and grief are flaring up in my heart today because i watched a video montage of joanna posted on facebook.  to see her eyes, her smile, her silliness, her friends, her family, all flash before my eyes on vimeo…the shock and sorrow…i still cannot believe she is gone. i still can’t believe life took her life right when she had all she wanted and worked so hard to manifest. we talked a lot about life beyond our human life. i remember this one time laying on the grass in cal anderson park, before the mysterious pain entered her body, discussing who we are on the other side. i am so happy i got to listen to what she shared with me. i still don’t feel her but i know she’s doing well over there. i remember her human self with deep love and feel an inconsolable sorrow that she did not get more time as joanna. i feel sorrow for her partner, her mom, her best friends, her family. why did you take her so soon, life? there is no why. i know she will live on in the hearts of those who love her. i know her death is transformative for those who love her. how can it not be? the tragedy is mammoth, and yet as i say this i can almost feel her trying to get through in my brain and tell me something loving and positive about her death because that is how she is. i wonder what happened to the medicine bag of stones i gave her? I think about that medicine bag every time i think of her. i am haunted by her life today and gladly so. joanna, you can haunt me anytime.

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