in the midst of chaos…

i am seeing my narrative so strong. last night it showed me her face in the light of the dark throng i was thrust into from looking at an apartment in bellevue. it’s too much and too personal to put into blog, but i can say cryptically: when all you have known is one world, it is very difficult to get yourself into a new world. when all you have known is one author, how to do you hire a new one? when you were born into a certain shadow that never lifted, how do you bring yourself to the light? well, that last part i know. i know i am doing it. being human is humbling. you can work on yourself for years on end and puff up with attachment to the progress you have made only to slink back into where you started from years ago, in one night, just because you are not getting what you want on the outside. meaning: who are you when you don’t get what you want in life? i dive from hot pool to cold pool. from pleasure to pain. from a spiritual practice to psychological awareness. from reaction to response. from grace to ooze. i am a master acrobat, tumbling toward death. aren’t we all? breaking up the old pattern by having a friend stay with me a little, by looking at apartments by malls, by dancing. i miss dancing already. in my perfect world i am dancing all the time. i am on fire inside. i want more music, more dancing, more art, more freedom to express this crazy life. i embrace my desire. reading jung is like reading alice like reading emerson like reading anais like reading henry like reading the light and reading the love. it’s not as hard as i am making it but the serious deep mind is how they are too and meant to be. no design flaw. i am steeping in the polar opposites of psychoanalysis and narrative therapy. the former shows me the tricks i play on myself. the latter is honor given to the creature whose despair was created by relationships and in the relational field, not from within. you don’t want to locate the problem within when it is in the relational field that wounds were created. what you wanna locate within is the way the psyche digests the wound and embodies it, and work on that. still trippin on her insight that i identify with the wounds i carry and seeing it come to light. of course i call myself the shadow of the shadow i fell into too young to remember the age that became a life long series of painful experiences that have not turned into light yet. like turning over a steak on the grill. that meat was killed with cruelty and you eat it like it’s delicious and nothing else. if that doesn’t prove how powerful the mind is…well then. my mind is rich. when i said to him in the car it is about relationships, i knew it so sharp and clear, as if i knew my psyche would steer me right into a factory farm afterward. there i was, being beaten by an angry worker, a mere cow to be turned into death and a hamburger. this is how dark a scorpio can go. my narrative is spiced with demons. i am not afraid of these inclinations. what scares me are those who only want victory and light. who only can handle smiles and the kiddy pool. but i gotta have my time in the sun too. psychotherapy can turn to poison in an instant. it is not in the head we heal, it is in the head we clarify. in the heart we understand. the healing is in the body. my body is so tired. i got an emotional hangover this morning. many tears. all brought upon by looking at this apartment in bellevue. all brought upon by a dark narrative that i am being ripped away from my home and plunked into a foreign land. it’s gotta feel right and when it doesn’t chaos is molting the old personality still. right now i cannot comprehend if my narrative is creating my reality or my reality is creating my narrative. sometimes direction scrambles. everybody is going ballistic with the election too. i am not astonished. why do i accept the utter terror of who is ruling this land and yet am still shocked by my own darkness? more jung. read more jung. not in a simple mind-set i am. not in an easy to solve mode. not a tadpole squirming in a puddle. give me complicated, deep, messy, all encompassing, rich complex heady love. this is who i am and how i roll and pretty soon this stone will turn to dust….

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