haven’t written or even been on my laptop much since thursday. portland has been wonderful. from the moment i got off the bolt bus i have been talking to people in the community and feeling the friendly open vibe. i like it. getting juiced up with friendship love, dancing the night away, laughing our asses off, getting closer to everybody, feeling my strong roots, being called a warrior, buying a quartz cluster, retelling stories from school and making sense of it all. feeling my heart. do i belong here? on a vision quest that is grad school, that is bellevue, that is foreign. away from the shire. away from the familiar. and yet strangely brought back to it through back roads. what will come next, i don’t know. and yet i do know. i know when i was dancing last night, sweaty under neon lights, starring into the faces of my teen idols on screen, everyone singing at once, “all i ever wanted, all i ever needed, is here in my arms,” that it felt like it was the end of the world. death is on my lips continually. it would not be bad to go out dancing. when i am dancing i feel free. under neon lights moving this body, i feel free. vegas family all together again. it must be twenty years since the last time we were all together as one. the comfort is immense. people who know me so well i can say anything and they know what i really mean. we are the thunderbirds. robust, passionate, intuitive, wise, alpha females. i don’t want to go back to seattle. i don’t want to face the reality that comes after this one. why must life always be an uphill climb? i don’t want to think about it. i want to think about the good times. it’s that end of the world feeling creeping in again, maybe due to the upcoming election. my thoughts are not as sharp in portland. i am more heart here. more creature. i don’t care to analyze as much. the head seems silly and attached, inflated with importance. a theme of this weekend: diving into an ice cold pool. that’s how this quartz makes me feel. that’s how eating those cold sweet potato noodles felt. refreshment. i want to get sweaty and then refresh myself again and again. so in the body right now. feeling the beauty of this body. the love for life strong and alive. i could write and write while they still sleep and he is outside doing his practice. but the urge to stop comes on strong. the urge is to drink coffee and stretch. that’s what happened to me this weekend. i got out of my head and into my body with joy. how easy it is to feel joy sometimes. eating, dancing, walking, stretching, hugging, loving…i love it so much, this place and this body. this place and this body. this place and this body. thank you, thank you, thank you.