gemini moon chattery…

for a gemini moon i am not feeling very chatty today. not sure what to say in blog. not sure what i care about specifically this morning. feeling removed from language. in a more imagistic space. seeing myself in my new metaphorical house on a raft in the sea with a single oar. seeing life beyond death and remembering why i am here. zoomed out. i dunno. i feel really dense this morning. really quiet. like a rock. like a river rock. i am forcing myself to write words to keep the practice of writing going. interesting how public blog makes me do it. is my motivation. interesting what makes each of us tick. how some people really think they are right. all the times i really thought i was right. the insidious nature of prejudice embedded inside language. my longing for us all to be free from the belly of the whale. to awaken. to shed the skin. how my grad school program forces me to keep looking at myself in this most specific of ways, like i am living inside a petri dish. how i am task mastering. the brain is growing. the body is slowly decaying. is it? what if the sun did not rise one day? feeling surreal is what it is. went to bed feeling surreal too. often times i feel surreal. i feel like something much bigger than michelle stuffed inside this michelle life. i feel like it’s the first time i have been incarnated. slept heavy and dreamed about mundane things like portion control and driving. my dreams polarizing conscious zoomed out-ness. thinking much about the bodhisattva vows. it is easy for me to love those who commit harm and are cruel. what is hard for me is to detach from pleasure and from the things i want. such as a loving relationship, comfortable home, and a sense of accomplishment for myself. the key is not to ignore, resist, or refuse….just detach a little. to stay awake is to feel the hunger to bring love to forgetting hearts in every moment. this is being present. the wants and luxuries come second. i am not talking anything fundamental here, more the desires beyond basic needs being met. we all have our paths. this is mine. i am considering that i don’t need romantic love as much as i desire it. meaning, can i detach and focus on the act of loving everyone i greet in a day? you see, this is all my mind crafting ways to obtain self mastery, which is the deepest longing of all, in order to bring light to the shadows. it’s much harder when you are living the difficulty versus thinking about the difficulty. or wait, it might be the other way around? i am such a pleasure seeker and a parter oriented creature. i don’t judge myself for it. simply observing. there is no design flaw and no arrival point in life. i am no longer attempting to free myself of the pain of soul hungers unmet or wounds…nor am i identifying with pain in any form. mastery is not an arrival point either, it is a drive deep within the authentic self. it is the gasoline for this body. i am talking heady now. here is the gemini moon at last, gripping my brain. now to change the subject in true gemini form. i love flowers. i love colors. i love scents. i love fire. i love the sea. this world is so beautiful and rich. thank you life, for bringing earth to me….

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