monday hope…

dreamed i moved into an apartment large enough to bring my yellow table, carpeted, and with a tiny bathroom made entirely of wood. also dreamed about complicity, being asked about it, and how much i was willing to participate. giving honest answers in the dream, i felt icky i wasn’t doing more. this culture is so complicit. the injustice of workers making the cheap threads on my body, using plastic, animal holocaust, on and on. it pains me each day and my goal is to keep taking action steps versus dwelling in sorrow about it. one reason i would like to make more money is to afford to buy local or humanely made everything. the reason i would also like to have more money is to have the means to start some kind of organization to help make bridges between the rich and poor in services that bring healing and with products that are made humanely. i think i dreamed about carpet because for me, carpet is comfort. i want to sprawl out on the floor of my home. the wooden bathroom thought in my dream was, “this will be so easy to clean.” i have to be honest, one of the reasons i want to be in a partnership, is help pay for life. spitting rent and bills would allow me to buy a car so i could live outside the city with ease. though i also want to domesticate because i have a love for it too. i want to cook yummy meals for us not just me. the little things mean so much. a good morning kiss is richer than gold. the longing is what it is. climbing up this mountain is what it is. life is what it is. life is hard and easy, depending and fluctuating. reading about narrative therapy has me externalizing problems and finding some relief through it, though i also feel my unconscious at work, manifesting the dramas of life. i know both are true. i see through all the lenses. underneath is a shadow that i claim. a desire for power and feelings of shame exist. not embarrassed to admit this. i am just like you but a unique version. we all want the same things in different blueprints of it. freedom, comfort, pleasure, unity, happiness. we all don’t want oppression, lack, pain, unhappiness. it’s not rocket science. narrative therapy soothes the part of the shadow wanting to blame. if i rewrite my story without the shadow authoring, what do i see? incredible triumph and love bigger and stronger than anything. it dawned on me yesterday that i need to get back to the softness i once possessed before warrior mode took hold three years ago. i need to return to soft me in order to be the new person i am becoming. soft me upgraded. the warrior protects the empath. all of the anger from stagnation and burn-out from healing work is fading away now. i am feeling a glimpse of the new me, even though i am still not she. a glimpse of sun. learning right now how to walk through dark hallways with no astonishment. i mean, so what if i am disappointed. life is highly disappointing a lot of the time. all this astonishment about the horribleness of the world that happens, is my mirror for looking within. i am not astonished at all about world stuff. society has not been a friendly, just, or a loving place ever. why would it astonish me that cruel acts keep happening? never does. if society suddenly became fair, monsanto and the like killed itself, prejudice in every form died, fundamentalist attitudes about spirituality dissolved, personal freedom was treasured and protected among our leaders and by laws, all people were truly treated as equals by everybody, and natural resources were moderated while new ones being invented rose to the surface for public use….well… i would be astonished! happily astonished. reacting is up to me every time i do it, and it’s taken me a long time to be in control of my reactions. it feels relieving to be in control of my emotions. i choose to let feelings out safely with honor. i choose to respond to others with care and strong boundaries. i see the guru in each person that lives behind their hurt creating reactivity. there is a light in every soul. this perception is richer than any amount of dollars. dollars count too, i am all inclusive, but i got my priorities down. the sky is bright blue this monday morning. hope is alive…

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