full moon babbling…

my back is feeling better for the most part, but i am gonna stay off the yoga a few more days and not reactivate the pain. yesterday a friend drove me around bellevue and kirkland to look for a new home. i felt a combination of comfort and sadness out there. i love the spaciousness, trees, and peace. i don’t love the strip mall thing. i don’t like the idea of being single in suburbia either. not without a car to escape in every weekend. coming back to the hill felt good. but i know change is hard. i also know sacrifice is real. i remain open. was supposed to go on a date but he cancelled saying he was too conservative for me. i respect that and i still felt disappointed cause we talked for three hours on the phone and that is rare for me. i hate the phone. people make and break connections all the time though. he is probably right. you gotta trust your instincts. mine weren’t totally there for him either. he seemed too “all figured out” for me. i need a more emergent type. it’s interesting when you feel a little but not a lot of attraction. some people let it grow, some people let it go. i think it is confusing, romantic love. how many times i have gotten into the wrong relationship due to attraction. well, just about every time. relationships require so much more than attraction. not only that, but compatible attraction is a thing too. friendship match and romantic-sexual match are the two roots for me. fear of intimacy leads people to seek out objects without realizing it, in partners. i don’t care about a pretty boy with nice things. it’s about connection not looks and stuff. i am seeking my best friend, not a war parter who makes me feel small when i need something and doesn’t know i am on his side when we face conflict. anyhow, i am staying hopeful even though it’s been a romantic shit show for the longest time. if it isn’t letting go of love cause it’s one sided, it’s bad or cancelled dates. if it’s not bad or cancelled dates it’s monastic land. but i am not down cause i believe in love. the other thing i was thinking lately, is that i may need to be with somebody who cares about helping others as i do. not sure if i can be with somebody who is only about himself. it seems like such a mismatch. i feel like i want my romantic partnership to be a force of love that spreads into community. i don’t want to live in a vacuum. i want to expand into the people around me. big dreamer i am. my dreams are changing but the mediums remain the same: art, writing, healing. other projects are in the works too, don’t wanna talk about it here. pentacles are the suit that is alive right now. cups remain on hold. i want love now but what am i do to? i am so used to waiting. by now waiting is the norm. i have surrendered to being exactly here. my jovial mood is cause i painted last night. soon as i pick up the brush my spirits lift. i must find a new home that has room for me to paint and store my art. art must come first. it is my biggest self care thing other than yoga. no micro-studio for me. ok, this is long enough. happy full moon….

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