growing the heart…

first day back home and i am up at 6 am. slept amazing last night. first good night’s sleep in a long while. the sun is rising behind me, reflecting in the west out my window. shades of orange fade into aqua blue. good morning, crane, buildings, seattle. soon i won’t see this view. it’s becoming apparent that moving from urban to suburban is the thing. i crave to not be on top of so much concrete and to get away from establishments being little homes, but it’s still a big deal to change after so many years. quiet might save me. moving away from an identity too. got my moontime five days early. perhaps brought on by the deep emotions bubbling up. i am different after the last school conference. my heart opened and out rushed poison. since then, i am all feelings. it’s this pisces lunar eclipse energy coming into full moon from the virgo new moon energy that first opened what was closed. my virgo lighthouse gave me a piece of wisdom that guides me. do not identity with the wounds. detachment is the lesson. wounds wounds wounds wounds. i am sick to death of that word! suddenly i think of louis ck and how funny he would talk about my psyche if he could spend a day in it. maybe that’s a new profession, psychic comics who spend a day in your brain and then turn it into a comedy bit. i want that! fantasy land. i am getting rid of all my fantasies. i want real love, real home, real work, real body, real me. i want the flaws, mysteries and plan b’s. well maybe not plan b, but what i mean by that is…very few people ever live the life that is their first choice. do you? i feel a reason for this in my soul. the reason being that through loss and letting go, the heart grows. it’s the paradox of this realm. people who get everything they want in life tend to have more selfish small hearts. people who appreciate what they have, grow the biggest hearts. a certain amount of loss is medicine and meant to be. finis.

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