wild horse, dream shedding, blue mood…

sadness leaving my family. pms makes is more so. tenderness. ache that cannot be solved. will force myself into the mat before leaving on a jet plane because i have to pull strength out of this soul. overwhelm right now. many changes and fear facing happening at once. doing it alone and unsure what the future holds. uncertainty. out of the comfort zone. i am on the journey. strange to move to the east side, although comforting because of the way i feel over there. perhaps getting back to the familiar roots of suburbia will be grounding through all of this change. moods wash over me. texting with a friend last night, she shares this particular mood with me. thankful to not feel alone in it. this mood i cannot talk about in blog, it would worry people. when you feel all your feelings at maximum volume it tends to scare the crap out of most people. i have learned how to contain it and let it out safely in ways that don’t make other people uncomfortable. i am a wild horse on the inside. a large force on the inside. have tamed myself throughout the years. the saddle of emotional awareness, bridle of emotional control, reigns of emotional navigation, the rider is a story teller. sometimes the rider gallops into the dark forest. she just does. i long for dawn though, i long for dawn. i long to sing a song on stage in a small wooden bar or bar type place. a night room. i long to express this life in non-clinical and non-left brained ways. i feel the death of dreams like snake shedding. an abandoned nest perches itself on a branch. it was here last time i visited too. had to unfollow and unfriend him because i love too much and seeing his posts sunk my love like a stone. it hurt to do it but self care needed to come first. learning to put me first has been one of the hardest lessons i have learned in this life. it’s a lesson of the feminine. the lesson of the masculine is to learn to put others first. both feminine and masculine live inside me. the masculine is going to grad school and climbing mountain peaks. the feminine is the artist longing to love. it is what it is beyond any descriptions too. to be human is to describe, though. to have a mind, is to label. so over black and white thinking. i am not this or that. i am a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. marie osmond is a new role model, speaking of. paper flowers i have received a lot of, sigh. keep riding that wild horse home…

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