reverie, karma, love…

yesterday night was so much fun hanging out with my family for my dad’s eightieth birthday. i was in the mood for the insanity of caesar’s palace. could not believe my strength in being able to say no to all of the yummy italian food that was made out of animals and gluten. i ate salad and grilled veges while they ate eggplant parm, meatballs, pasta, clams, and ice cream. the only reason i had will power was thinking about the animals. i was able to enjoy myself even though i ate like a rabbit. i don’t want to be a problem maker with my food choices. drank the best wine i have ever had in my life. the waiter was having his birthday too. he made a sad comment about his life and an antagonizing comment about me being gluten free, but he was also friendly, humorous, filled with personality and life. after dinner everyone was a little bit buzzed. one of my sisters won some bucks. we got caught up in the reverie, which is not usual for us. we laughed like crazy. it was all over by nine o’clock. my sleep was restless and dreams strange. i was on a plane suddenly not going to my destination but some place else farther away. we were all suddenly part of a psychological experiment. i dunno, there was violence in it too. i can’t totally remember but it woke me up. a lot is happening inside my psyche right now. can i allow my dreams to work it out for me? i am tired of consciously working through it. change is hard and my conscious mind will find a million excuses, want to cling to wounds, and do all sorts of acrobatics during this transformation. why even pay attention? i want to change my reactivity to change. it’s the journey, right? i want the journey to be quality. my family is talking about body size and weight right now. it is morning. i am choosing to bow out. differentiate. we are four women working out one karma. all i know is body love is my goal above all. love is the goal above all. love…

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