thursday all over…

just got back on a dating site. why not? the theme of the year is: be open. who would have thunk that grad school would open me this much? i had it all on lock before-hand. had my spiritual system of yoga and eastern wisdom working for me. a job, a devotion to being an artist, a sacred groove. but i also felt angry most of the time. now, i don’t feel angry hardly ever. there is too much newness and challenge on a daily basis. i realize now the anger was cause i had boxed myself into a lifestyle that wasn’t working for me. i could not conceptualize past it though. life brought me the new in emergent fashion. curiosity and willingness led me to new life. i had a deep conversation about death with my dad yesterday. was good to talk about it with him and validated dreams and feelings i was having lately. i suppose i am the type who finds relief through verbal expression. i don’t feel like blogging. at all. i am practicing non-identification and noticing how with every sentence an identification forms. hence me not wanting to blog. it’s as if i need to discover a new language, or a new way of using the english language. marathon watched “girls” with my mom last night. interesting, our two polar opposite opinions of lena’s character hannah. my mom admiring her for not giving a fuck what anything thinks. me having an aversion to hannah due to how selfish she is. it was such a clear cut example of subjective reality. and of how one character can be so loved and hated. i don’t hate the character, just irritated. my mom’s admiration gave me psychological insight about her. i love how different she and i are. we hold down the polar opposites. i am always psychologically attuning. there. see? identification! it’s fucking fascinating. jesus, i feel so vulnerable and raw right now. my premonitions are coming to life, the veil is thin, and i am letting go of calcification in my brain. oyster without a shell is how i feel. thinking about the petri dish of grad school. i am not myself in that environment. i am a contrived version of me. i wish to let go more. to really be me, not to try to be me. what a difference. i feel an unraveling take place within. what happens when you let go of mental frames of reference? who are you without your religion, beliefs, ideas? i feel uber in touch with death too. i can feel what it will be like when i am close to death. i am always so in touch with the future. me and the future are like best friends. see? another identification. gimmie some tags and a master. just kidding. shadow humor. this blog is loco. finis.

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