babble before the plane…

leaving on a jet plane, but i know when i’ll be back again. vegas. my sisters and parents. in fact, it will be the first time the five of us are alone together under one roof since…i was maybe…eight? yesterday the intensity of my school experience simmered down emotionally and physically. slept for a solid eight hours without waking and did yoga. by the time i was showered i felt back to normal, so to speak. not in a heightened state of transformation. this pluto transit will come in waves, i realize. knowing astrology makes such a huge difference in my lived experience. if i did not know i had a three year pluto passing over my north node transit, i would feel so confused and overwhelmed about the loss and transformation pluto initiates. might think it’s bad or i am bad, the usual suspects. but knowing allows me to take the reigns and consciously use grief and loss to surrender and transform. it’s interesting to me how the transformation that is happening is so different than what my mind expected life to be. how at first i kicked and screamed, resisted, marched on the grounds, protested. and now i am allowing for this new me and new life to unfold. what power there is in letting go of a dream. of not viewing life by the same standards. no longer needing to follow bliss or listen to some agent tell me what my life should look like. how much of my ideas have come from my culture, not from within. i could write an entire novel on this right now. i never knew how powerful grad school would be. how much it would change me. everything in its own time. like, for real. if you are not ready for an opening you cannot force it. i truly understand this. same goes with love. my heart is wide open for deep intimacy no matter how scared i feel of this. had a convo with a friend about her powerful true love, long living relationship and it confirmed again how much i desire the fruits of that kind of intimacy. nothing about the surface interests me when it comes to relationships. not small talk, not impressions, not wit, not the game. i don’t want any of it. i want raw real open mysterious chaotic deep surrendered difficult intimacy. i want it till death. it’s good to know what i want. i am trying to let in the soul hungers again. thinking of my teacher alex talking about it and how important it is. i am still not balanced. still too much energy is being focused on healing, repair, seriousness. i know it. to change this i have to start to look in a new direction. even if every time i have in the past, it has not panned out gold. taking risks over and over is the key. to begin i will end this blog with a list of what my soul hungers for and allow what my soul is here to do (her mission) to take a rest. soul hungers: true love partnership, pets of all kinds, gourmet vegan cooking, ashtanga yoga, creating home, creating ambience, deliciousness, a backyard, road trips to nature all over, painting huge works in a shed or basement with music blasting, writing everything, traveling out of the country, fashion (my style not brand names or trends), color, flowers, and crystals. that’s a lovely list. finis.

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