polarity and the underworld…

the weather keeps changing, like my feelings. hot and dry, cool and balmy. a rise of passion, a cooling of passion. a longing walking a solitude path, a longing sitting in a hot spring. you get the idea. polarity. seattle loves to give us polarity. yin and yang. feminine and masculine energy. chaos and order. not sure what to say this morning. feeling mercury retrograde. feeling mute. wanting to delve into a quiet place for a stint. wanting to sit quietly on a stoop. candles lit on either side of the laptop. red tara incense burning away the embarrassment of being. thinking back to jordan peterson’s maps of meaning lecture, about how self consciousness was the fall from the garden and the flood. what a strange thing to be self aware and how this awareness causes anxiety much of the time. my fear is centered around how i will be liked by others or how i will judge myself. it is not practical to say any of us can get rid of self consciousness. some people are more blessed than others in terms of not caring. i am not one of those people. i watch this aspect of myself roll on by, as i work to strengthen my resolve. last night i was told that i am a serious person. i got self conscious about it inside. was just telling somebody else who had saturn in the fifth house that the placement causes a more serious personality, and to embrace it. it’s like that happened to set me up for being observed later. i do laugh a lot and get ridiculous, silly, and know how to have fun when the right person brings it out in me…or even alone. i also have quite the serious temperament. i take things seriously. maybe too seriously at times, but i also know there are no design flaws. i take seriously my calling in this world and this makes me a better helper. i take seriously my self work and this is why i am mastering the self. seriousness creates strong results. i also like the intensity of seriousness. the sultry aspect of it, like a thunderstorm of a falcon. look at me, defending myself from invisible judgement. it’s ok. we are all who we are. and we are all at where we are at. different personalties fascinate me. personality fascinates me. hanging out with somebody whom i am not completely compatible with fascinates me. makes me appreciate those who get me. even if some who get me are scared of my intensity and depth. how cryptic can i be? i like being gotten. being understood is a wonderful feeling i am always wanting more of. nobody wants to feel isolated on an island away from the feeling of being understood. this is a simple desire we all share. we are tribal oriented, our human species. i have spent so many years in the underworld, i understand the lack of belonging, the lack of love, the lack of hope, and lack in all forms. i am a tour guide of the underworld and find comfort and pleasure being in it but not of it. there is a beautiful river where lotus flowers bob their sweet blossoms. the costumes are rich and gem colored. every night there is a ball in a large castle room where people dance and imbibe what they choose. it’s good to have allies in the underworld. everybody does. this is a very tangential blog. construction is loud outside my morning window. the sky is creamy white and slightly blue. reminds me of a dream…

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