afternoon in a different cafe…

everything is different today, in small ways. but in a big way, i accepted an internship yesterday. it wont start till the beginning of next year but i have it. i think i might be moving to bellevue, if i can find an affordable good place to live. i am still open though, as i don’t mind a long commute, but the shorter the better. i’d been toying with a move to the east side for some time, way before school began. people say a lot of things about it, and i get it. i left the suburbs for the city too. but i am not the type of person to settle in on any one way of being or living. i don’t mind returning to the burbs. it feels very much like the book, “the alchemist”. i am returning to my roots. but on the other side of the coast. i don’t mind living among any type of people anymore. the diversity i crave in life, is to constantly move and have new experiences. i am ready to diversify by leaving the heart of the city. new me in the burbs will be very different than old me in the burbs. and it’s only for a year, unless i decide to stay. though something tells me i wont. though this is all speculation. i could stay forever anywhere at anytime. so back to the moment. everything was different this morning. i slept an hour later after heavy intense dreaming. i did not blog. i did yoga right away. little differences. i also got back on a dating site. i figured i needed to do this in order to not avoid dating. i have not dated in such a long time. the last person i dated i fell for and he did not want anything serious. it hurt so much and i knew it would but the heart wants who it wants. it still hurts, for my love dies hard. but i have to keep truckin. i know new love will come when it comes, but in the meantime, i have to date. and you never know, maybe i will find love through a dating site. my friends have. it is possible. i feel very open right now. i am not even sure what i want aside from key essentials that have rooted deep into the soil of my being. all i know is, i am becoming different right now in life. the old me feels like she is standing on the other side of a cliff waving goodbye to me. a visitor on her way out. i don’t feel attached anymore. there is no more sorrow, no sense of regret, nothing wasted. i feel the meant to be-ness of every moment past, present, and future. i don’t know who she will look like on the outside, new me…aside from school and interning. i feel new me very strongly on the inside. she is much more concerned with community than herself and her own life. she is not focused on her internal experience as much anymore. the landscape has been pioneered, mined, settled and no longer needs the same attention. she is not concerned with her identity as an artist anymore either, though i still dream of painting large abstracts some evenings after work. that is in the far future though. i think. unless i find a place to live that has a messy basement or shed i can work in. i know something wants out with writing, but i don’t know what yet. i feel the tiny seed not yet making the story known. i feel like anything could happen to destroy any plan at any time too. like, big world stuff. i am juggling my own efforts with a constant sense of letting go. it’s really hot out today. i feel like singing. but instead i will sit in the back room and read the souls…

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