all the little living things…

woke up at 7 am cold because my windows were all wide open, two fans blowing, but the dawn was cloudy and chilly. relief. spent yesterday in solitude too. another day not desiring to talk. i really wanted to get out into the mountains, away from the baking oven bowl of the city, but i have no car. decided to take a full day off of school or anything serious and bussed to the U district to wander through all my favorite crystal stores before settling into a movie at seven gables. watched our little sister. it was so good. i specifically loved the intimate portrayal of the sisters and of japanese culture. i was so inspired by japanese culture, i let go of my vegan vow in order to eat a japanese dinner. felt right, as it was a special occasion of honoring japan. i ordered pickled vegetables, miso soup, a spicy tuna roll, and a spicy scallop roll. drank green tea in the air conditioned restaurant and people watched through the large window. thought about how much more innocent the people in the film seemed compared to american culture. the fifteen year old in the film was collecting shells on the beach and had never kissed a boy. here in the states, fifteen year olds have already done everything sexual and talk like they are experts on life. i feel burned out on american culture. my words may be harsh. we all get our moods. i spent way too much money on dinner, but decided it was me taking me on a date and that i was worth the money. using the mind the rationalize in a positive direction is not the worst thing. managed to keep out of my hot as hell studio for nine hours. when i got home the sweat began dripping again. at the grocery store on my way home i bought some vegan ice cream, which i never do. i don’t ever want ice cream. who am i? i wanted everything to be different yesterday, within the limits of my small moneyed, no car life. aside from crystal shopping, it was different. in a subtle way. i like subtle right now. i am also burned out on intensity. i am craving tea over coffee. kindness over transformation. romance over lust. reservation over expression. quiet over celebration. this aspect of me exists too. she wants out. i could spend a solid month in a cabin on a lake high up in a mountain range if life afforded me the luxury. the craving is palpable and where my intensity dwells. so down here at sea level, city bound, in the heat of august, i am doing my best to make the moment precious. i know i am overly serious right now because of aspects lacking. i wont sugar-gloss life or put on color therapy glasses. i am grateful for what i do have too…these working limbs half way through life if i am lucky, the beauty of the fragrant blossoms surrounding me, community of big hearts and aware minds…contrasting against a faint siren whirling outside miles away. every day somebody dies. no. i simply cannot zoom out today. today, i zoom in and notice all the little living things.

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