weirdness yesterday. felt like a different person than i have been in the past…well…my entire life. it was so hot out and i surrendered into the heat as i took a practice bus ride to where my interview will be next week. got a bagel in between busses where my school is. the sound of the computer woman blaring “walk sign is on for all crossings,” made me think of cass and i wish i would have recorded and sent the computer voice to her in a text. the bagel made my tummy hurt. felt like a brick. bus drivers can be so kind. i am beginning to really enjoy riding on the bus. being among community makes me feel nurtured. the walk to the place after the bussing reminded me of my youth. bellevue looks exactly like the suburbs i grew up in. same tree heavy terrain. same strip malls. same vibe. we always return to what we know at some point in life. i felt at peace and calmed by nostalgia. found the place, liked it, turned back around and made my way to the bus home. stopped in a 7-11 to get water. haven’t been in one of those for years. again, felt nostalgia and a positive feeling for reasons unknown. the air con wasn’t on, on the first bus back. surrendered to sweat dripping and sun baking my legs sticking to the seat. felt at home in the moment. maybe it was the all the trees. so many trees on the east side, i love it. when i got back to my studio i felt so exhausted i cancelled all evening plans. could not imagine talking with anyone. laid on the couch like a starfish until the heat became too much as the sun started baking me in my apartment like a cookie sheet on a pan. forced myself to an extremely crowded air conditioned bar with “sitting in the fire,” to read. i did not want to be there but i needed the cool air. i was heat-crazed, you know how that is. my skin was morphing into puddy. everybody was doing that weekend thing of celebrating life by talking really loud about this and that over beers and fried food. i watched the cooks work their asses off in the kitchen, both young and virile, not seeming to mind the hard work. the waiters did not seem irritable and were in fact, very friendly. made the crowded atmosphere feel gentle. we are all in this together. i read and contemplated how i am privileged, soaking up arnold mindell’s words like soul food, realizing where i have been unconscious. i am being schooled. i realized through reading this book, that i am also spiritually privileged. it’s easy for me to feel oneness and detached from the physical world, which makes it easier for me to deal with suffering. i don’t have the articulation to describe more about this topic yet. read this book, is all i can say for now. i sat in the bar for three hours, among humanity. i did not like being around them as much as i liked being among the people in bellevue. it’s very weird. who wants to move to the suburbs? bellevue is different though and maybe i am just feeling nostalgia or having romantic notions. it is very likely. the heat might also be a culprit. or maybe the change i wish to see is entering my heart and being all, “hi, you did not expect me, did ya?” i always seem to embody the exact opposite of what i did not embody before. something in me wants to play both sides. to understand everyone. to embrace it all.