both/and cruel summer jig that aint quite up…

insomnia. heat. sweating. apartment like an oven. lying awake till it finally got cool enough at 2 am to fall into dreaming. vivid dreams. another bright sunny morning. hoping today i can focus on my work. yesterday was a challenge with the heat. it’s so draining. i bought flower essences to help with focus and mental clarity. wandered the streets in between cafes to work and stores to meander in while i contemplated everything in solitude. reading, “sitting in the fire,” because it is inspiring, versus the book on family therapy. it’s hard to read at all in this heat. i know, i am complaining. this heat aint nothin compared to the east coast. reality check. i realized yesterday how many people do summer things in the summer. i see it all over instagram. trips to the beach and in nature, family time in places with water and beauty. not me. i am a solo city rat with no money to go anywhere. if i had a car i would have driven off somewhere yesterday. i suppose i could ask a friend with a car to drive us off somewhere beautiful in nature, but it seems every day i am busy with some form of work, be it client or school stuff. oh well. summer always turns out like this for me. it’s not my season. fall is my season. but also, i have truly forgotten what nature feels like. i cannot recall the last time i was in nature even. when was it? i am a pigeon and i feel surrendered to it. that bananrama song, “cruel summer,” plays in my head as i type this. i am a little bit laughing. laying on my duck taped couch with sweaty legs sticking to the cushions, watching “madmen” in the dark, trying to cool off in order to sleep, fun times. sarcasm. that show is hard to watch. sexism off the charts. i am so glad i don’t live in the fifties or early sixties. i would not have made it…unless i was a handsome successful white male. i fell asleep listening to tara brach last night. she reoriented me. i love her podcasts. listened to the “bird got my wings” podcast again. i love how she calls the persona the spacesuit that covers up the authentic self. got in touch with my spacesuit of inadequacy, inferiority, fear, and loneliness. got real in touch with how i felt as a kid…again. how lonely and isolated i felt. how much i hated everyone for being so mean and stupid. that was my spacesuit. but i also remembered my authentic self as a kid. she was way into making her barbie a scientist and digging for artifacts with a tablespoon. she looked at her peers and felt sad they did not welcome her. she didn’t hate them, but she did not want to belong to people who were mean either. flash forward to today and my spacesuit is the same: angry at “society” for being mean and and stupid but deep down, just purely sad about it. at the same time, i am as enthusiastic about my work as i was a kid. tablespoons are now paintbrushes. barbies are now words. i have always loved working. i am not afraid to admit i feel sad and lonely. tara guided us to reach deeper down past the loneliness and fear, to see what is there. i found a desire to belong. so simple. many people feel as i do and are afraid to admit it and many of those people are in relationships and have families of their own. the feeling goes much deeper than the experience, it seems. i do know i would rather be single and authentic, than to be with somebody just to not feel lonely. i’ll take loneliness any day over a partnership that does not feel right. it’s not the fifties anymore. i can be a single woman without being a hag or what have you. on the other side of this loneliness i am not lonely at all. my friends, family, the divine, we are all hanging out. i am loved and do a lot of loving. but sometimes i have nothing left to say. the loneliness is specific and can feel heavy in passing waves. i don’t want to catch people up with how i am doing sometimes. i would rather lay in the arms of a love and be quiet. i want the somatic and not the mental experience. deprivation of this is real. recently i am feeling like i could temporality partner again. this feeling springs up from a state of resourcefulness, a way to work with what i got. “if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with.” though i would change those words to, “if you can’t be with one love, honey, love the ones your with.” ha!  i could have lovers who come and go, and stay single till i die. i could just have men as temporal experiences with no partner by my side. it might get harder as i get older, but in the city it is not as hard. people are always around to help. i could eventually move into an assisted living place when i was no longer functional on my own. that’s the thing about the city, it really is a partner. all you need is right outside the door, in a certain sense. i say hello to many people throughout the day at cafes, stores, and the like. i have my places of comfort. it’s similar to a partner. it’s a plan b is all. it’s good to have a plan b, versus facing an endless abyss of suffering if plan a doesn’t happen. so much of life is logical like that. work with what you got in the very short time you are alive. enhance the strengths and don’t sweat the weaknesses. a big part of me lives pragmatically this way. there is a deeper sadness though, that cannot be solved through pragmatism and i own it proudly. sorrow for the tragedy of this life as it occurs for everybody. i am honoring this sadness today. i don’t know why. love expresses different facets on different days. today love holds space for human sorrow. i can be pragmatic left brained functional happy and also soulful right brained sad. both exist as loving partners.

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