saturnday dream analysis of impending metaphorical death…

another hot sunny morning and insomnia soaked night. i did dream metaphors. one dream: mom and i in my apartment. suddenly i see the city scape outside my window blowing up. “look mom,” i say as we stare out the window in bewilderment. next thing i know it is storming and lightning with entrancing beauty and frightening intensity. the water is rising up to my third story window. my mom is staring out the window peacefully quiet, ready to meet our death by drowning. i recognize her state of being and wonder if i feel the same way, i am caught between wanting to make us run or remain there, allowing the water to engulf us. end dream. is this my nervous system speaking to me as the fight or flight response? the water represents my unconscious feelings rising to consciousness, causing me to want to run away or face impending death. as i mention a lot, my dreams predict the future and usually the very near future. i know now that an experience of impending death is coming. my mother in the dream…hmmm…letting my free flow writing uncover why her in the dream. she was peaceful but also resigned too. maybe my mom represents my inner mother who has found peace through my spiritual practice and knows how to stay calm through transformations? the resigned part, i feel that in me too, i feel the loss of an old dream that i intentionally let go of. at first i let go of this dream for pragmatic reasons, but the further i move into my new life dream, the more i realize that this lifetime is about being on the path of service, and not to live for my own success. maybe that’s the decimation of the city. the city represents ego. water is nature. i am allowing myself, through a death journey, to become the person of service my soul has always been called to be. not that i have not been already. i have been of service for many years now as a healer, but i’ve always felt reluctant. the reluctance is the wounded healer archetype that wished to escape. perhaps the wounded healer is really going through a death and becoming the healed healer. i find it interesting how some parts of self die completely, while other aspects always live. for instance, i will always live with a certain sorrow in my heart for experiences i went through that stole my childhood. i have learned to give compassion and acceptance for this beautiful sorrow that is pertinent and sacred to my life story. i honor tragedy because to try to sugar coat feels fraudulent. yet the escapist aspect of me is slowly dying, in increments, throughout my healing process. i feel this dream might portend the final layer. i have reached the core, hence my mom being in the dream. she is how i came into this world. the beginning. i also find it interesting how i feel grief for dying parts of self, even the aspects that don’t serve my purpose. the shadow is just as much love as the light. my old coping mechanisms have been a fortress, a real home. it’s sad to say goodbye to a long term home, even if it was like a prison. this studio i have lived in, that is a significant part of the dream. i’ve lived here five years, the longest i have lived anywhere in my whole life, as my parents moved houses about every four or five years. this is also the apartment i moved into when i came back from new york city with a dedication in my heart to leave behind the egocentric ambition of finding success in the art world for a path of service. i am not saying all successful artists are egocentric by any means. i only mean the journey of “trying to make it” in this world as an artist felt wrong to me and was draining my life force. i feel blessed to have had it so hard in terms of popularity, for it focused me on this path i am on now, which is meant to be. i can feel it. i am still an artist, always will be and i am happy to sell my paintings and books. it’s not about that, it’s about using my life force to make money and gain popularity for my work that felt off. i don’t have the constitution for it and that’s what did not feel right. i cannot ignore the path of service calling, for it is my soul. this path of service is not about following my bliss, it is about following my deepest inner knowing. this lifetime for me is not about bliss only. it is about healing, wisdom, love, and creativity. everything i paint and write ties into healing. my life as an artist is rooted in my healing process. i started writing and painting as a tween because i was suffering and needed an outlet. the moment i put pen to paper and brush to canvas, i felt relief, inspiration, wisdom, and happiness. creativity is my bliss, i suppose. how i use it is the learning. the integration process is mysterious. suddenly remembering the first lines of the first poem i wrote when i was eleven: “life is a mystery without a clue, each brand new day, it holds something new. there are many knots of happiness and pain. there are many tears of hope and shame.”

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