trust, where’d ya go? yoo hoo? where are you? i recognize i don’t feel trust right now. the sorrow has stopped, but i still feel scared and angry. the anger wants a voice and not be told to be quiet or “get better”, where as the fear is not a presence that needs to be heard. i feel the anger as a bloodline trait, coursing back many generations. it feels like oppression, poverty, hardship, and loss. it feels feminine. it feels like the women’s side of the mother’s line. i am only carrying it but it is also a part of me. emerson’s words burn into my cells, about fate being a wall to climb over. free will is real. i can create new neural pathways, but it’s tricky. i have to be careful not to try to “make the anger go away” cause that is suppression. it needs to speak and i am unsure how to give her a voice. maybe a short story, a poem, a painting? some form of creative expression is needed. also physical activity. yesterday i needed to cry my eyes out and rest my body in a sea salt bath as my yoga. today i need to go for a run and feel the female bloodline turn her into a panther.
yesterday was hard but supportive. for anyone who does not know, when having anxiety symptoms, theanine is a god-sent. it’s an animo acid. i took one and in a half hour my thoughts stopped racing and i felt calm in my body. sara embraced me in the best hug allowing me to feel her as a mommy, telling me i am good the way i am. reminds me of the line alex always says, “you are not a design flaw”. this is what is getting ignited for me. i am so right brained and intuitive, i feel my clients, i feel the theories. i feel confident in my ability to sit with people. on paper i am not so good. be it a resume, cover letter or academic paper. i am not so good with left brained structure. i may not be able to recite the bullet points of a theory but i can apply it. i don’t learn in the western way and yet i have to comply to my left brained heavy culture. i know rebelling is useless. i will do my best to exercise my left brain capacities just as i hold plank and work hard at building strength. it’s easy for my lil’ ole’ wound to get ignited, of not belonging. i see that narrative and i don’t buy what it’s selling. this is where i know i need to create new neural pathways in order to re-write my narrative. connecting with community in the way that i can now will guide me into the new ways. fear. it’s alive in me. i wont resist it. resentment? oh, shadow hello. that’s bloodline stuff. i see you with love and sharp focus, like a falcon. i am not scared of feelings. all of this is love, every feeling, fear, and cell. when sara hugged me for like a minute, it felt so good. it’s a gift to give nurturing like that. this is what life looks like when choosing to walk into the unknown and face fear, over choosing the comfort zone. it feels good to write about it. i need to write a lot today.
tears still want to come out. existential tears. for aging. for death. for the life cycle. that’s the thing about being sensitive is…one little thing snowballs. it’s always been like that for me. i start off feeling sad out of fear of not being chosen and the next thing i know i am feeling existential sorrow for how aging teaches us to let go of the body and how scary that is. i am connected to spirit so deeply that i do not fear my own death and i actually look forward to it. at the same time, i am deeply attached to this life. i feel a powerful love for the tenderness of being human. every life, human and otherwise, is a sweet innocent child. the way i feel reminds me of saint francis. i feel saint francis in my heart when i feel my tender love for every life. i knew this would happen going vegan again. removing animal products increases my sensitivity a lot because i am not longer ingesting the cruelty stored in the cells of the animal products sold at stores (don’t know if this would feel the same from eating a sacredly hunted animal that lived a free life before death, but a friend shared with me once his story of hunting and skinning an animal, the whole process, and how much is pained him. some of us just feel this way.) in the past this sensitivity was always was too much for me to handle, but this time i think i can handle it. love is strength and i need not be afraid to feel tenderness. i need not resist my nature. no design flaw. i don’t have to be a left brained maven or really good at what i am not good at. i can just be good enough. i suddenly am thinking of time limited solution focused therapy and feel ok to focus on my strengths. self critical mind, i am gonna accept you too, but choose to act from the tender loving heart place. it amazes me how much relief i find in writing this out and in sharing it online. the sharing part feels good because i know i am not alone. maybe somebody will read this and find comfort in my words. i am not afraid to reveal my vulnerabilities or shadow side. i embrace the humanity of living.
what is happening on the outside? sunny sky. good night’s sleep. dreams i recalled upon waking but have forgotten. jung believed dreams often prepared us for the future. i believe this too because it is my experience, constantly. whenever i have a dream that sticks with me, it’s a future fortelling. that dream about driving a car where the breaks did not work, with my sister in the passenger seat telling me to just breathe…it happened right before this emotional storm hit. lo and behold, it was my sister i talked to yesterday who brought me much calm. i need my fire sign people! sharing blood is a powerful thing. if my sister says something to me, it resonates so deeply in my body. she can say the most simple words and my energy shifts tremendously. i can call her crying from too much tenderness and within minutes feel strength return in my heart from the sound of her voice. she and i are balancing forces as fire and water. water knows how to listen with empathy, giving space for feelings to express, not trying to change them. fire gives courage, strength of love, and lots of nurturing. earth gives practical support and unrelenting consistent stable love. air communicates love with supportive understanding. anyhow, some astrology talk here, off the cuff. i must be returning to myself. the emotional storm is petering. gonna see if i can jog off the rest of the proceeds through the pores, through my feat pounding the earth, and connecting with nature.