long winded lots to say blog…

i need to talk about my dreams. last night: i am driving a speeding car with breaks that wont work. my sister is in the passenger seat. highway and lots of traffic and i am steering the car round huge turns thinking for sure i will kill us because the breaks wont work as i push on them with all of my strength. my sister is calm and tells me to just breathe, and so i do. no crashing happens. another part:grandparents on mother’s side come to visit. have not seen them in my dreams before, maybe ever. they are ignoring me and i feel hurt. can’t recall what happens next. next thing i am balling my eyes out on the floor, sobbing to my friend, “i miss my grandma.” the night before: i am shown a tree growing strong but planted in metal on the ground, like what you would see downtown, with trees growing along city sidewalks. the metal thing looked like a wheel with spokes, not a planter, just in the ground, like a sidewalk type of ground. i was told by the voice of wisdom that this is my totem.

the break down: my sister is tough and fiery, the opposite of me who is sensitive and watery. as i make all of these big life changes i feel like i am driving a car out of control, i cannot stop it, cannot turn back around. it’s a metaphor for learning how to be tough and fiery and to keep moving forward. the grandparents one is weird. i was not close to my grandma at all, and she passed when i was seven. my grandfather is a shadow figure in my past, the root of much pain. i get the feeling this dream is talking about something systemic and genetically relevant in my psyche, but not sure what. in the dream i felt no pain toward my grandfather. i only wished they were paying attention to me. maybe i need to pay attention to that level of the psyche of my bloodline? the tree dream, holy cow. i love when i have voice of wisdom dreams. and to have a totem dream, that’s a treasure! what a totem to have. it blends city and nature, which is me. i am a city soul to the core, but i am also completely connected to earth. i also feel this totem to mean that i must comply with society. the metal grid felt like compliance, but it was also a cool design, artistic. this totem is about integration.

i definitely feel my psyche processing much more than the mind can handle. i feel my cells speak to me through the metaphors of my dreaming. i feel a reorientation happening. from being obsessed with my relationship with the planets and cosmos to being obsessed with my bloodline, i feel a switch in focus. i have spent many years orienting myself as a sovereign being larger than my bloodline and larger than this life. completion has happened. time to let it rest. i am interested right now in the smaller picture. or rather, the big picture of the smaller picture. not my soul in the universe, but my soul in this bloodline. not my multidimensional light being self, my human being as michelle self. i am ready to explore deeper. i have dug a lot out already, but what i have not unearthed yet is a deeper mystery, an older relic. i can feel it waiting for me in the soil. it’s about this body.

blog is long because so much needs to come out of me this morning. moon in scorpio deep thoughts. purple skin for my computer keys is no longer working, i had to rip it off in frustration. need a new color, i think yellow. or green?  yellow because it is time to awaken my analytical mind again after many months being in the purple deep spirit place, preparing for yellow. i sense the future strong like coffee this morning. i sense a move and i don’t know if it involves leaving the urban sprawl or not. i sense an internship but i don’t know if it will be where i am attached to, or some place i don’t see coming in my desire. i don’t sense a partnership at all, but the focus is taken off of him, so maybe that is why. in the past few months i have done so much healing around self worth, that i no longer crave with blinded eyes. i am not craving emotional immaturity, i am not wanting to play games, i don’t need distance anymore. i don’t need to be avoidant or ambivalent behind some story of denial. i would not say i am super confident by any means. i feel more vulnerable than confident. i feel raw and willing to be afraid and let love all the way in. maybe this is why my desire and radar is on vacation.

i went to a concert at the neptune with a friend last night and i really felt a change in my identity, being there. it’s strange to become new. the last time i became this new was in 1995. who i was before 1995 would be unrecognizable to those who know me now. some people transform drastically, i am one of them. i feel this happening again right now. anyhow, i was thinking last night about how i want things to be fixed. i crave security. life long true love. published novels. a solid career. my ambitions seek roots and long lasting life span. at the same time, who is to say who i will be in the future? room for transformation, can it live inside of long-lasting ambition? can i be with a man as my true love for life and still have us both be open to it ending at any time if the love changes for one of us? can i sink into a career knowing i might stop doing the work completely at some point? sure, why not! death is coming and can happen any day. life is such a short ride. i feel i want to be able to hold and and let go at the same time, at all times. i want to root with a partner, in community, through career… and also know my real root is within.

everything happening on the outside is temporal and illusion by nature. i honor the sacred and valuable, rich and precious illusion. i honor the animal body and this blood life. i also honor the spirit i deeply feel, the oneness i deeply feel, and the larger than this life experience i have always felt, since i was little.


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