from water to earth, adding air to the fire…

today i will honor you, saturn, for it is your day. need to find volunteer work to do on this day. i feel unable to produce interesting thoughts. wake up, brain. had a great conversation with a cohort friend yesterday and then spent the afternoon sending off applications. after that i took a long urban walk followed by a solitude evening staring into the sky, reflecting, absorbing life. no television shows, no books, but i did listen to music. that’s the thing. sometimes i need to sit around and listen to music. it heals me, inspires me, speaks to the deepest part of me. i don’t want stories, only feelings. water. i am so in touch with water, with feelings, with the flow. i am also in touch with air, wind, the sky. my learning edges are earth and fire. this is why ashtanga/vinyasa yoga is my practice. it’s a physically intense practice that builds strength, endurance, and fire. this is my balance. my brain has been technique oriented the past two days. i keep making bridges from yoga over to healing and from creativity over to healing. realized yesterday how strength training in yoga is teaching my cells to be strong in all areas of life. i also brought into the mix a new relationship to aversion. my aversion to strength training is pretty darn strong, but yesterday for the first time, i welcomed hating being in plank for a minute. i welcomed my shaking limbs and short breath. i even took a very unflattering picture of me in plank and posted it on instagram with a paragraph about all this, in order to confirm my new relationship with aversion and share the message. building a saturnine fire on earth and embodied, is what i am doing. not strength just for the sake of it, but for the purpose of helping this world. the purpose is outside myself. it’s not the dreamy poetic magical waterfall speaking right now, and i miss her, but i gotta bring the four elements into balance within. watery me is standing on a rocky cliff over a stormy sea, singing to the creatures beneath while earth me takes the driver’s seat. that suddenly reminds me of my dream last night. i was part of a group meditation sit, but instead of meditating we were told to write about the feelings we were having, all the way back to their root. i did it really fast. the sit was supposed to last all day but i was done by the first break. during that break one of the facilitators was explaining the directions to me. i said to him, “i know and i did it already.” he would not listen to me and repeated the directions. this went on about three times. i felt acutely unheard. then i woke up. what this makes me think of in waking life is how quickly i move through healing these days. in the dream i was like, “yeah yeah i know this already.” i think this is my air and water heavy thing reaching an apex after years of work. i am fast to understand and move feelings out of the body after practicing for so long. i don’t need much facilitation or work here. what i really need is body work. it’s all about cellular reprogramming for me right now. through yoga i am doing this and also through transforming my narrative. i should get some reiki too. it’s a body love extravaganza! i know i cannot roll the red carpet out to bring my beloved into the physical just cause i am ready for him, so letting go per usual. i will do the best i can with what i got. going vegan again has helped a lot. my body is freeing itself of the violent energy from the animals treated cruelly. i am not containing their pain and shock. i am not containing my own complicity. i feel lighter in body. happier. my conscience is clean again. it’s hard to not eat cheese but that’s the only hard part left, well, eggs too. but i have no cravings for meat anymore. my body is changing. earth earth earth…with plenty of fire on reserve…

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