little thoughts big feelings…

fear facing continuation. i am learning so much right now in terms of how to walk through fear. listened to a powerful tara brach podcast last night about relating to the fear body differently. welcoming fear and being loving instead of resisting. i am consumed by the desire to transform and transcend my current psychological limitations. saturnine fire. motivated more by the inner journey even though the outer journey is the catalyst in terms of where i will intern and where i will live. i am open to moving to portland. i have lived there before, i have dear friends there who are incredibly supportive. i want to stay in seattle, it is my first choice, but i know i cam make a good life for myself in portland either temporarily or for the longer term. i am glad i don’t have anything tying me down. i could move to california too, but that feels foreign and strange. i could also move to the east side or anywhere in the puget sound area. if i leave the hill i will need a car too. but first things first, finding the internship. i am so invested on the hill with vajra and all the places i feel connected to. i have my grocery store routines, my cafe working places, my jogging route, my magical places to connect with nature, and i know the faces everywhere. i like this community and would like to stay. i also understand that i may not be able to detect a happiness that awaits me in another district or city. i am aware that routine and comfort can cause stagnation as well. so i remain open. allowing myself to be guided. i need to paint again. i’ve run out of canvas. there is may be one more painting i am willing to paint over. maybe i will rip up a cardboard box and paint on that. not gonna buy another canvas. i also began a song in my head. just the lyrics and a bit of melody. it’s about a hybrid girl from atlantis. i don’t want to forget this melody. i cannot play instruments and would love to manifest somebody who can make this song a reality with me by playing the instrument. big craving to sing. needing to express creatively in a way that uses my voice, not the eyes. creative expression saves me. life is hard and we have a lot of work to do. the tikkun. the great repair. surrendering to this work.

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