deep tired myth and new moon in leo…

today and yesterday are different. i am not feeling well physically but i cannot tell if i caught a little bug or if i am detoxing because i started talking msm powder again. either way i am resting my body. so tired. some sinus stuff too. hopefully all will be well for work. yesterday was the new moon in leo. boy, i felt it. got super attuned to my ego identity and what i wanted to manifest in terms of home, partnership, and my upcoming internship. feeling drawn to work with adolescents. feeling drawn to stay in my apartment until the right new home comes along and make more money in the meantime. feeling the intuition to put my art out into the world again too. it’s been four years since i tried or hung my paintings. i really loathe the art world. i have always experienced a huge aversion to scenes of any kind. too much ego and i am instantly repelled. i remember being like that as kid too. i remember breaking up with my best friend when she decided to become popular and wanted to drag me up the status ladder with her. i honor and recognize the part of me repelled by too much ego…and…i also understand as a wise person, to not resist aversion with any form of acute reactivity. it would be wonderful to make money doing what i am put on this planet to do. i am put on this planet to paint. i don’t have to pound any proverbial pavement cause i am not trying to “make it”, and i don’t need to be part of any scene. i can be open to selling art in a way that is loving. my intention is to make money doing what i love and what i am here to do. no extraneous work if i can make it so. can i make it so? this is the work in progress as i also remain hyper aware of how many people do not have the luxury to do what they love or are cut-out to do. it’s hard to allow myself permission, in a way. i don’t feel guilty, i just feel sad and upset that injustice exists. i have experience being a “have” and a “have-not” in my own blue printed way. it is a reality of this realm. learning how to contend with this in my heart. leo is hard for me cause it is all about going for what you want. my life long myth has been about doing what i am supposed to do, not what i want. it is time to write a new myth. i realize the core of the submission myth is rooted in the wound of losing sovereignty in the face of traumatic experiences. i see how the story formed and got ingrained into my cells. to write a new a cellular story is tricky though. all parts must be honored. the part that has submitted needs her voice understood. i finished a painting yesterday honoring a part of me i don’t want to talk about here, that i could only give voice to through art. “chaos soup” is the name and it is how this part of me feels. i wont bludgeon this part into submission. interesting how there is a part of me that submitted who needs to be understood and the part of me that is on a mission to eradicate submission from my being. surrender is not submission either. submission involves a loss of power . surrender involves a loss of control. there is much power in losing control. maybe the most. i would not be who i was today without surrender. i might be more selfish and oblivious. who knows. my mind is not explaining with enough detail. i feel so tired…

chaos soup:

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