climbing and falling, sorrow and trust…

had a cathartic afternoon unearthing hidden reasons behind behaviors and the myth i have been living. this was catalyzed by a conversation with a friend that went deep fast and pulled out from the shadows what i was ready to see. my heart opened like a blossom and i felt like crying. tenderness extravaganza. after we talked i walked to another friend’s house in an ungrounded daze. i felt so weird and out of body. i could not make sense of the energies swirling inside of me as i watched puppies play while eating chips and hummus. i was hardly able to listen and be present company. felt like my heart was filling up with sea water and that my mind was a wind taking me above the clouds. i came home to a $125 rent increase and my building will also now be charging a $65 monthly utility fee too. damn, that’s a lot of money for me. just when i was feeling at home here. the unfairness of it all. i don’t want to play victim even though tenants aint nothin but numbers to management companies. i know how the system works. we were talking about containers earlier and i told myself to not dwell in the injustice and that it was just time to look for a new container. but i am not ready and my heart felt it. i sat in silence, stunned and sad doing my best to think about the convo from earlier and how i am capable of finding a new home and creating a practical reality that also serves my heart. maybe i can make it work here longer, still. i have support and i can cut back on costs and live more rice and beans style. i could find more work, get more clients. i don’t mind the mold always ready to emerge, ceiling dust, and dirty walls. i love my view. well…i don’t know yet what the next chess moves are in the practical world but one thing i do know is, i am not reverting to any old stories. but even though i am a tenacious pioneer of transformation, my feelings are soft and i shivered, feeling alone. i lay in bed longing. i admit, longing. yearning to live with my beloved in a cozy home that we could stay in for a stint. oh to feel that warmth, sweetness, closeness. to fulfill the creature, not just the spirit. wishing i did not feel so vulnerable and strange, i listened to binaural beats for the third eye chakra and stared at my ceiling fan in the darkness until i got in touch with the divine. i am under the tower card influence. i felt myself falling from my dismantling tower palpably, because really, we are always falling. and then…a feeling of safety gripped me like a lover, like unity. suddenly, i was falling into nurturing. i felt the change happening in my life right now being for the better and bringing me to new life that matches the love i feel on the inside. cause see, that’s what we talked about earlier. i have so much love inside for myself, for life, for every human soul. i am able and desiring to create secure attachments. patience is all that is needed, or who knows, maybe it will be sudden. sometimes everything changes in a blink. however it flows…all of my inner mountain climbing has brought me to a summit of inner knowing and feeling loved. trust illuminated the sadness and shock. i knew everything was gonna be ok. and so…i allowed myself to fall. summits and falling increased the yearning heating up my blood like a bonfire. i am passionate being. i can be myself in this world. i can navigate the practical in my unique watery way. i don’t know how i will get a run in today. i hardly slept. anxiety and trust seduced each other all night while sorrow and love serenaded.

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