boiling chaos soup over a capricorn fire…

ready, set, focus. i am prepared to switch gears starting now. i have already begun weeding my social life a little. i collected books, made notes, and prepared a work schedule for the next week. it’s so hard! i want to be a capricious person but i must be an orderly person. not gonna identify with being any type of person. gonna use zen as my core guide. here i am. just being. right now it is time to be orderly and focused. capricorn north node activate! i think about when i wrote my novel, i was ultra orderly and focused. i can do this. i can hang up my summer hat a month early. i know how to manage my time when a job is not managing my time for me, i am great at it. pep talk blah blah blah. solitude yesterday was golden. went city foraging for all of my groceries for the week. farmer’s market, trader joes, qfc…up the hill to 17th, across 15th, down to broadway and back home, filling my purple back pack with blueberries, apricots, spinach, grapefruit, cucumber, tomatoes, vege burgers, vegan cheese, and nut bars. getting back to a plant based diet, away from eating animals. another focus, requiring determination. it’s hard, but my heart does not want to eat killed animals or animals treated cruelly. if i ever have space for it, i could see myself maybe care taking chickens and eating their eggs…but…lately i have been feeling grossed out by eggs, and cheese. in wanting to use the rest of my cheese up last night, i made a quesadilla for dinner. after weeks of eating hardly any cheese or dairy, the cheese felt like glue in my belly, it made me feel kind of sick, like it was hard to breathe. oh the joys of being ultra-sensitive. i also know i am going  back to being one of those types people make fun of and think are arrogant, because of my vegan choice. oh well, so be it. people judge. my friends know i accept their diets and that i don’t give them a hard time. all i can do is show my own mercy for animals and live by my own ethics. i don’t look down or judge anyone for eating meat or dairy. i have eaten animals on and off my whole life. anyhow, i am noticing how amazing my body is feeling lately, due to eating mostly raw whole foods. i foresee making super yummy raw or cooked animal-free creations in the future. ethics. standing by them. coming out of complicity as much as i can. it’s a balancing act to transcend both animal urges and monetary challenges with choices that uphold the liberty and fair treatment of sentient beings. i am not going to go into a diatribe here about slave labor. i could, but i wont. i need to focus on five theories of psychology. i need to do yoga. i am feeling the weight of responsibility and i hear my intuition tell me to approach it with a more child like attitude. i shall do this. i shall remember that life is short and thoughts are not me. i shall steep in the precious one life i have as michelle and value those i love as the treasure of my life. i shall keep my heart wide open and filled with wonder while climbing up mountains. i trust myself. trust keeps coming up. i keep needing to assert it. this means i am doubting trust. that’s ok. i welcome the doubt with love and tea. last night i painted and oh how good it felt. i am painting what sage suggested, chaos soup. to be honest, i feel like i am swimming in chaos soup…hence all of these assertions. awareness helps me to see it and love it. cheers to chaos soup!

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