mountain climbing, future seeing, love lessons…

more fear facing yesterday. a good talk with a friend whose been doing the work for years. we are strength mirrors right now. a really medicinal jog. now in love with jogging without music. using it as moving meditation. feeling it more than my yoga practice currently. just as i desire to do hand-stands, i desire to run and not just jog. aspirations for this kapha body but i am no type a. would prefer to stay relaxed and slowly climb the mountain of success. capricorn north node and jupiter. mountain goat purpose and expansion. powerful readings yesterday at work. the cards were being super psychic, future telling, visions pouring through my brain and out of my mouth. love those days. my pineal gland ached when the day was done. i could literally feel the gland being worked. in this way being a therapist will be very different than a reader, even though they are both emotional support roles that focus on tending to the soul and bringing clarity. as a reader, i read the future, it’s a huge part of my practice…which is not the same for every reader. every reader has their unique style. my style leans heavy into future telling. what is going to happen does not always come up, often only the future lessons come all depends on what the universe tells me. i am the radio not the radio waves. as a therapist i wont be tuning in to the universe’s “future” radio station…though i envision, once i am in private practice, and able to choose my own rules, allowing the client to choose if they want to use tarot cards and if so, if they want the future element involved. i will leave it up to the client because we all have what works and does not work to help us grow. i find for myself, that peering into the future is encouraging and helpful the same way gandolf in “lord of the rings” helps frodo. the strange thing about reading the future is how it comes to pass or does not come to pass. i like to think of the future as mutable, though more than not, i am shown it to be fixed. i feel it is important to keep the future mutable for the sake of free will though. i cannot allow my belief system to alter in this way. i often feel i am juggling realities and this is one of them. the two balls are free will and predetermination. seeing the future is not really predetermination though. it is stepping outside of linear time to see the spherical nature of a story line. anyhow, i am not in the mood to analyze this. i need to apply my analytic skills to the academic aspect of school and find focus. blah blah blah. i am hyper aware of my mind creating stories with every sentence and how concrete sentences truly are. still under the influence of the tower card, i feel sensitive to not wanting to do this. i want to give the present moment freedom to move and change. i am under construction. thinking about romantic love, i want to be movable here too. my heart is heavy with sorrow for loving men who don’t love me back. the important aspect is how to move through this sorrow with grace. my love for him is not tainted by the fact that he does not love me back and him not loving me back is not bad, it is just not what i want. sorrow happens. loss is real. it’s ok to feel. i don’t hold the rejection story anymore and this is the success i get to experience from the climb up the mountain. years of climbing have paid off. all i feel is pure sorrow now when my love is not matched. there is no narrative about me not being good enough or never getting to have mutual love encapsulating the sorrow. i feel my good-enoughness. i feel the mutual man who will not be able to let me go. he is out there. in the meantime, i wont let me go. but….i will be like melting snow…as rumi said…washing myself clean of myself.

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