serious monday…

today i will be teaching about the tower card and i am feeling it down to my bones. little things have changed lately, externally. i cannot fall asleep before midnight. i am preparing for more identity shifting. feeling old identities coming loose. it’s very scary to feel this way. like, very very scary. why? i suppose because familiarity is the rock inside, the anchor. i am jogging more now because that seems to help more with fear than yoga. i still find that if i practice yoga four times a week, it is enough. twice a week jogging is the new goal. yoga is slow strength building, inner and outer. jogging releases all the emotional build up and strengthens my lungs. i am feeling a call to become stronger physically. my appetites are just as strong. feeling raw potency course through me and if i don’t channel it, fear might swallow me up. that’s just a story. it’s all just a story. stories stories stories. spent all day in motion with a fellow priestess yesterday. was able to talk about the book of essays i am reading, injustice, being a voice, listening, community, north nodes, anais nin, lovers, love, being in this skin, watching desire wax and wane as we walked through sunny city streets. my tummy hurt in the earlier part of the day. fear. we layed in the grass at cal anderson to write and so much happened there inside and out. i let my tummy speak on paper. a racial heated conversation between a white kid and a black guy took place. my friend wondered if she should intervene cause it was so heated. they finally broke it off and the white kids sat near us. one of the girls was in tears from the intensity of the situation. we could not get the full details. the air of the country. i feel the tower card for that too. unstable. the old crumbling so the new may build. uranus so strong in my blood, always. lightning bolts. a vow to be of service. learning how to do so without swallowing the suffering of others. life long journey. power in the “i”. overcoming my own learned helplessness. knowing what i stand for. martin luther king mentoring me, showing me to the way. what can be said and not said. one thing i know is, you have to patient with wounds and pain. you cannot skip steps of the healing process either. anger is a stage. blame is a stage. pride is a stage. many stages. those who have not been through it cannot understand how deeply the pain roots. those who don’t live it cannot try to make the air free of tension and conflict just because of the privilege to be able to, so easily. unhealed pain cannot see objectively when the pain is not validated. love is not the lack of tension and conflict. love is hurt too. this is not the forum to talk about this though. this is just my little online diary. currently i am more into listening anyhow. so much is happening in this head of mine. thoughts about humanity, prejudice, oppression, internships, identity, sex, love, injustice, creativity, power. i need to meditate to slow it down and find being in my breathing. come to center. the usual me might say something about needing to lighten up but i don’t feel this way. i am accepting of the conflict in this life and of my depth ever plunging.

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