sunny sunday thoughts…

yesterday was a powerful day. i walked by a yard sale and picked up a book of fifty essays. sat down at a cafe and flipped it open to see which essay i would land on. it was a letter martin luther king wrote to his colleagues. it got to my heart. he lived his life to turn injustice into justice. he died organizing for justice. the letter took me right out of cognitive dissonance for a few moments. i felt my higher ground want to lift me up into it. i thought about a line by madonna, “what you need is a big strong hand to lift you to your higher ground.” there was the inkling in me to do something but i did not know what. the best i can understand is to tend to people’s souls. as i sat at a table outside, i watched a dog and his owner interact with passing by people. interesting enough, the dog growled and barked at one man, but allowed all the others to pet him. i think they were all women. the thought was, “he doesn’t like men.” might be true, might be an anxiety thought. i watched anxiety all day react to dogs. a dog walked by me and slightly barked, while its owner talked it off the barking ledge. this lesson is all up in my face. maybe part of it is a sense of protecting the sacred within. the dogs are trying to protect when they get aggressive. there is anxiety i try to protect myself from experiencing, but what if even the anxiety has a purpose sometimes? like, maybe it is ok that i need certain conditions to feel balanced and calm. i have worked my ass off to be where i am today in this body, it has been a difficult road. it’s the other side of fear facing, right? self protection is real too. it brings to mind something my friend said about being tired of living inside ideas. mainly, lessons. how in our endless search for partnership we focus on lessons, instead of getting to just live like a creature with a partner. that is real too. i realize how much of my headiness and philosophical temperament is my medicine for living a life that is not about just getting what i want in the physical world. my life is largely not about that. it is about transformation and healing, it is about understanding, letting go, and giving unconditional love. not getting what i want in the physical, facing every lack, is the medium and the fodder that molds me into the person i wish to be in my heart. i am my own work of art, chipping away at illusion to unearth the essence. this is a palpable experience. the thoughts lead to physical newness. everything is a double edged sword. everyone has a valuable perspective even if the perspective is only a mask to fear and hurt. i wound up at the same bar two nights in a row because it feels neighborhoody and has great food. last night i laughed as i hadn’t laughed in a good long while. needed. an unexpected visit from an out of town friend happened. the three of us are in grad school. we talked shop and i felt a difference. i did not have a story behind me that i used to fall back on. the story of resistance to being a therapist is fading. or to being a healer, same diff. something in me really is letting go of that old story and committing deeper. not something. my essence. self sovereignty. i am choosing this life. such a new myth for me. just as science is breaking ground with constant new research about the expression of genes having more and more freedom and variation to express, so am i creating my new myth. i am cells making stories. i am essence making embodiment. same diff. ideas are my love even if i know they are all illusory at the core. i love illusions. i love the stories the head produces. i am eating a lot this weekend. sublimating sensuality. sometimes the dragon needs to come out to play. today i need to come out to play. been steeping deeply in what is serious. injustice is serious. it is happening. it is real. i want to read more essays, all fifty. i want to be shaped by those who stood before me. i want their messages to sink into my cells and make me a better person.

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