intense dream last night. i am friends with a little girl, maybe eight years old. the way it felt in the dream reminded me of how i felt as a kid…how excited i felt to hang out with certain adults…but in the dream i was feeling this excitement as the adult and the girl felt it for me too. we both knew i was about to leave, for how long i don’t know, but enough to make us both sad. i asked if she wanted to hang out one more time and read a book. she said no. we were both crying and i said through my tears, “i would rather spend time with you and cry afterward from it hurting to leave, than not spend time with you and it not hurt.” i then asked her to hang out again and she said yes. suddenly it is a phone hang out and i am reading her a book. my mom walks in to her room and she hides her phone, wanting to keep our conversation secret. there is more to the dream but i cannot remember. what sticks with me is the relationship between us being strong. i am not sure i have felt this way about any child in my adult life, but i remember feeling this way about certain adults as a kid. nobody specific comes to mind. i just recall how much love i felt as young girl. tons of love. not for any of my peers, but for my older sister, certain baby sitters, camp counselors, daycare people. why is the coming up? is it is sign to do my internship with kids? i don’t know. i don’t feel drawn to work with kids. i have in the past but i think only because people have told me i should. perhaps the dream is more about my inner child. a sense of innocence and pure love. that’s how it felt. like pure love. sometimes this gets lost as an adult. adults wound each other constantly as broken hearts and neurotic minds project to protect and intimacy becomes one shadow dance after the next. i don’t feel this way in my friendships though. my relationships with women are solid. it’s the feeling that stands out in the dream anyhow. i don’t feel love for others as an adult the same way i felt it as a kid. i don’t get really excited to hang out with friends as an adult. i look forward to seeing friends, but i don’t feel that intense joy i did as a girl. i remember that joy so well after my dream last night. it was either experienced for getting to hang out with certain adults, playing pretend, or being out in the woods behind whatever house we were living in. those were my three joys. the rain is pouring down this morning. i love it because i can light cinnamon incense and a candle and feel cozy while i type. the sky is dishwater brown-grey. the buildings look saturated and still, as if they are sleeping heavy. yesterday was powerful. i took a steady jog under the hot sun and it burned off all of my fear. underneath the fear i felt my choice. free will. self sovereignty potent. i wrote my teacher in a moment of blazing glory for feeling the “i”. she understood and wrote back that i was heard and witnessed. it felt like a seal to the new myth. like i made it official. the new myth is about choice. i had not realized the old myth until fear took me to the center of its power source. the center was a sentence. a vow. once i saw the vow i could release it from my being. i did so in a moment of recognition. that is all i needed…a moment of felt recognition. a new paradigm has begun. all of this fear facing as of late…it’s intense. i am choosing to walk into fear instead of avoid it. i am choosing to sink deeper into the reality of my life instead of escape from it. i am choosing to be who i am and not live in fantasy. the little girl in me feels excited. maybe cause she is best friends with adult me. two peas.