yesterday i pulled the death card for the day and it was such a death card day. internally. a huge shift. i focused for three hours of work, no problem. one hour of solid free form writing and two hours of reading for school. i felt no distraction within myself. then i took a long urban walk home from fremont to the hill, exactly as the full moon was officially happening. as i felt the sun on my cheeks and cool breeze soften my thoughts, i suddenly had a palpable feeling of all the lives lived before me on westlake avenue. all the way back through time before seattle was even a city. i walked in a hypnotic state slowly as joggers and bikers zoomed by, feeling the past as if i were each person who stepped the same steps before me. switch. thought about how cool it would be to live on the water. noticed some therapy offices and contemplated having an office on lake union while also living two blocks away on a house boat. water life. fantasy. romance. back to the present. i walked with contentment. subtle peace and presence. nothing cluttering the tummy or mind. i wandered in to join the amazon nine to fivers at whole foods. that too was peaceful though the store was packed and chaotic. i wafted through the salad bar and wafted to a table, easy. no strain and no stress. i am really trying to not feel guilty about how easy yesterday felt. (always the shadow lurking.) the walk home uphill also felt soft and easy, even in the hot sun with socks and boots on. when i got home i showered off the day and decided to pull cards for the full moon. catharsis hit. i understood it is time to transform the goddess archetype. not gonna cling to the myths already written but instead, bring her into me fully and make her my own. i was struck with heart ache upon this knowing, as if i was leaving a dear friend forever…but i knew truth was speaking to me. sacrifice is how it goes. this whole past week was cathartic. i realized i am not a vessel for other beings to use as a channel and i don’t need to tell any other being’s story. now i understand it is time to transcend the stories already written too. this is my path in particular, not a right or wrong thing. just what my life is into doing. totally emergent present time living. chaos theory. hard core. i belong to no past anymore. i can write whatever i want and i am making the archetypes new. all of my lives are merging into one with this intention as my direction makes the movie. this is all ties in to my transition from doing mystical healing to doing pragmatic healing. costume change and it’s an exciting transformation. the excitement led to insomnia. my brain thought a lot about alder’s theory that humans are goal driven social creatures who need encouragement and how it ties in with my new set of goals and how i want to give to others. my meaning making is shifting. there is a new story to tell. i am walking away from the old kingdom as my teacher alex would say. it’s sooooo full moon capricorn, all about letting go of old structures for the new.