full moon mutterings on dreams, romance, and being alive…

today is the full moon in capricorn. i am feeling it intensely. started last night actually. i cannot put the feeling into a left brain category of usual correspondences about what the full means and what capricorn means. i don’t care. the feelings have taken over logic. and what are the feelings? good question. potency. inspiration. newness. rebirth. alignment. i love that i moon on the full moon too. to be synchronized with the moon brings deep pleasure. some conspiracy theorists would say this means i am mind controlled, but whatever. why did i even bring that up? i could go to a weird place right now but i wont. i will spare you. dream last night: there is a large black long haired dog in a field. i am in the field but if i go near it the dog growls. i know my bounds. other stuff is happening but i cannot recall. i walk a little bit toward the dog but keep my distance. the dog comes right up to me, growling. i actually do not feel scared even though i know he might rip my face off. i feel trust that it’s not my turn to die and i am unafraid to face the possible painful death of me about to happen. then i wake up. as i fall back to sleep the voice of wisdom chimes in and tell me to look for that same feeling in real life in order to understand the dream. to not interrupt the symbols of the dream (dog, field, etc) but instead notice in waking life when i see threat but i am not afraid. i must also note that the dog did not feel bad, he was really cute, i knew he was protecting his land, i knew it wasn’t about me. i felt calm and wary. this makes me think about the dog maxwell we had growing up. he bit me on many occasions but we kept him and i got used to it. that sounds fucked up but it wasn’t that often he bit. maybe like five or six times total over about ten years. he was a very neurotic dog. he hated children. it’s interesting to note that the past few nights i have had dreams of not being scared when the old me would be scared. in other news, i am unsure if i am ready to move yet. maybe i live in my magical apartment longer. i still love it. my friend suggested a dust buster and it changed everything. took me five years to clean the corners and molding of my apartment but that thing works great! the most obvious alludes me most of the time. perhaps because i am always looking deeper than what is before me. some blind spots are right in front of the eyes. last night was fun going to the south side with nar. i love georgetown’s look but it feels cold emotionally to me. lorettas felt much warmer, reminded me of vegas. south park seems to open my heart and make me feel more human. nar and i are simpatico in ways that are comforting. i bring her peace and she brings me safety. i was able to get some things off my chest i felt guilty to say out loud. i also realize that my romantic love life is lived largely in my head. this realization i have known about for a while, but it’s becoming more real by the day. i don’t feel shameful. it makes sense for my history. i can really see it though. a palm reader told me i would live in fantasy until one day the right person just walks into my life and then that’s it. i feel her message to be true in my cells. attuning to the body more each day. honoring the warm female creature i am. what a treat to be this me person. i wish every single one of us could remember all at once that being embodied is precious and beautiful, a once in a lifetime chance-pun intended, a real miracle of sorts, the reason itself. this does not have to be a hell realm. though all of life has its cycles. hell and heaven take turns battling until duality gets softer, cozier, and more creative through the grist. infinity, life, death, rebirth….

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