monday. got in a total solitude day yesterday. had to force myself to not reach out to anybody. had my phone in hand over a dozen times and used sheer will power to not text for a hang out. was remembering a cohort friend’s words in the car about how it is hard at first to pull away. it was hard. but i did it, for at least one day. i was too scattered to get anything productive done other than grocery shopping, but i did find a school book at a used book store and i do feel more calm and centered this morning from the solitude. now, to keep the balance. i think once a week total solitude might be a good place to start. i don’t know. it’s hard to tell. i still feel somewhat scattered. it’s almost like i need to move away. this is what i usually do to try to find myself again. move to smaller place. but that’s the old me. the new me can balance. i am watching my thoughts create stories about all this. it’s such a waste of energy. monkey mind. dreams last night. i was climbing a very tall mountain with two friends, near the very tiny top peak a million miles above the bottom when a storm of lightning and thunder hit. we had to nestle in a tiny crevice. i wasn’t afraid. slept hard last night. finally. i think it’s cause i spent the evening in my magical ashram, speaking with invisibles. pulling away from the five sense world into six through twelve, where beings are effulgent. i love hanging out in the upper regions, burning incense, stretching, staring into the sky, singing songs. i felt krishna das and maharaji super strong last night too. at one point i felt myself empathing kd’s love from maharaji as i chanted into a picture i made of maharaji over kd’s heart. tears poured from my eyes. i then felt maharaji’s love for listening to chanting and how happy kd might have made him because kd sings with so much feeling. he really opens the channel with his heart. i could be totally projecting but anytime i connect to maharaji it is for a reason he is aware of. maybe he wanted me to feel the love of spirit through my projections. i did. love loved me strong, from within. it made watching “orange is the new black” boring because it seemed so flat like soda left out on a hot day. cut it off half way through. watching egos battle egos gets tiresome. same ole same ole. non-expansive. a main character who is trying to find acceptance for her shadow side is kinda cool, but it also seems that the characters never really move. they just ping pong back and forth in endless toddler dramas. the injustice piece grabbed me at first, but then the dramas just get so gratuitous and boring to me. anyhow, my opinions, blahdeeblah. my next effort is gonna be to read books to wind down for sleep instead of watching television. i think my mission is to get off the screen much more in general. stories on the page where characters move to ignite my imagination. non-fiction perhaps too. craving inspiration to balance out the effort toward productivity. what else is new?