self critical sunday…

i woke up sad and moody. pms. yesterday we took a wonderful field trip to olympia. i thought maybe i would want to move there. fell a little in love with the small cute hippie town. felt my aura and heart open. felt the magic in the trees and sky. but then the part of me that needs the big city for her chaos in order be anonymous and feel creative woke up and said, no. i mean, it’s like…i always have a couple living inside me with different needs. he wants to live in nature, she wants the big city. this is the current couple’s debate happening in my psyche. i am a master of diplomacy just from being me. contradiction is my way of life. anyhow…it was a peaceful day sitting in the back yard listening to amazing bands, one after the next, under the mixed emotion sunny and cloudy sky. good convo with my cohort friends too. we bring understanding to one another. i shared with them about the novel i wrote and how for that one time in my life i was able to trim away too much socializing and write it and how i needed to do this again. not just for writing a new novel, but to read and study for school. i get so fucking scattered! i get so extroverted! i get so overwhelmed by this part of me that does not want to land, but hops from person to person talking and being there for humans until i am empty inside and have nothing left to give to myself. maybe i am exaggerating. it is summer after all. in winter this is not the case. anyhow. blah. i woke up sad. pms. dreams of scattered socializing last night. i am feeling fragmented. like a tired butterfly. i think i need to go for a long walk in the sun right after i finish this blog. i can welcome the sadness. it has no mental cause as far as i can tell. it’s just part of the ecosystem. heavy heart. mopey. sensitive. yielding. tender. i cried last night too. haven’t cried in a long time. cannot remember the last time. i don’t cry much these days anymore. maybe i need to cry more. i want the new plot, the new book. i want structure again. i want to be able to say no. i want to master discernment. want want want. i am watching my mind create lack based on an aversion to my own behavior the body is feeling. i don’t need to create lack from the aversion. i can simply make new choices. let me start by focusing on something else to balance out. i am proud of myself for getting off facebook and not digesting the pain of the world anymore. i don’t feel facebook is any sort of forum to honor people in, for myself, but i am all good that others feel this way about it and are on there. my honor will come in the form of this next book. i am doing a good job at being loving and strong for myself and others. true strength is to be a sun shining into the shadows. i can do this.

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