changing boat rides…

hmm, i wonder if it is time for me to live with others? talked about it with a friend last night who is interested too. change coming? i like the idea of a community house. non-nuclear family of adults allowed to bring partners into the home. growing some food. having animals. renting a house that is still in the city. i am open to having one roommate too. we discussed the needs, fears, dreams. i might be feeling ready. i knew finding love for my apartment again would initiate movement. i am not allowed to move with any bitterness in my heart. we shall see. the world continues to crumble not near me. tragedy. these times don’t feel safe. i am taking it day by day. sensitive to shadows right now. putting up smoke screens, sending signals, i don’t even know what i am saying. got to my yoga mat yesterday and as expected, it rooted and centered my energy. every day is a lesson. dreamed last night about moving to another country. a few times i think. there was a send off party for me in the last one. i woke up right after telling somebody i don’t eat potato chips. i cannot see me leaving the country, i am in grad school…but i can see why i dreamed of leaving. the impetus is to leave. i crave newness. communal living would be new. i dig the idea. my friend was joking about the exaggeration of a single person in their forties who has lived alone for so long, screaming, “but how will i poop if i have a roommate?” it is true. the fears are exaggerated. they always are. i don’t wanna be one of those people who fears intimacy. am i? i don’t think so. i think i have just been alone for so many years now that i am used to the rhythm of it, perhaps dependent on the rhythm of it. i don’t want to be dependent on being alone. it might be a strength i have developed, sure, but it’s time to change boat rides. speaking of changing boats, was talking to ruby about the spiritual journey. i am getting less mystical and more pragmatic as the years go by, when it comes to healing. the buddhist way is taking over. i see the mind engaging in the mystical elements of healing such as recovering past lives, journeying to recover lost parts, etc, and i find very little energy for me there anymore. it’s not less powerful or flawed by any means, to each their own path for healing and i spent years doing that work. it is just the changing of the boats. the practice of coming into being fully present and not living in the mind is where the energy is for me these days. i am healing the wounds of the past by being present and letting go. this week i let go of something my mind has been clinging to for a long long time. i thought beings on other dimensions from the past needed me to tell their story, but realized this was a delusion. i was creating need in my mind that is not real. i can write whatever i want to write. i still may want to turn my mystical channeling into fiction. i think? but maybe not. i am truly confused right now, but one thing i know is, it’s my choice. i am in a phase of change. i thought maybe i would leave tarot behind for a second, but no. tarot is for life. it’s embossed. i get burned out every year, but i am devoted. the point i am making to myself is that the boat ride changes and this is neato. i am becoming different. the celestial mystic is turning more pragmatic and somatic, solitude is turning more communal. whatever flows. this is all the mind yapping away. deeper than that, i am letting go…of so much. onto the mat…

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