yesterday was a shift. a story i have been talking about writing for years came pouring out with more details. understanding a few transits happening in my chart brought some clarity of vision. laid in the grass and zoned out to shakespeare while writing. wandered the streets with a priestess friend. felt passionate and alive again after the dullness of last week. today i woke up feeling the dullness again though. or rather, sorrow. i wish i lived in the same village as my family. i mss them. i wish i could reconcile the two worlds. last night i watched “orange is the new black” for too long. it depressed me. so many television shows are about the shadow, which i like, but i probably needed something else. the afterworld. a world of never ending happiness, where you can always see the sun….day…or night. awww, prince. upon going to sleep i felt my age and aging. it scares me. my own death zero scares me. i look forward to it. but the death of my family and my own aging scares the crap out of me. the fragility is what is scary. youth is so protected in this country. i am happy to not be young anymore on a psychological level, but the body aging thing…not so fond of it. i get it nature. you are making it so we cannot stay attached. oh, people try with plastic surgery and such, but you can see see age anyhow. it does not work. why am i talking about this? partner longing fears, that is why. i think about how a strong motivation for partnership is to grow old with somebody. i desire the comfort and security of long term companionship. it’s not all about romance, passion, and feeling in love as an emotion. a large portion of my desire is rooted in the best friend aspect, having each other’s back, knowing each other so well, doing all the tasks as a team, journeying through old age together, being able to support one another and laugh, being able to be strong when he is weak and for him to be strong when i am weak. all that stuff. it’s an earth thing. mating is for earthlings, not multidimensional beings of light. this body wants her man by her side till death. there. i said it. maybe i do wanna get married. maybe my desire for philosophical freedom is less contextually relevant for the aging years ahead. maybe golden girls will happen too. friends can become life companions. what i am really wanting to say is….it feels wrong to be single at this point in my life. it just feels wrong. there are no more lessons to learn. self love, check. self worth, check. healing from the traumas, check. love for love and not void filling due to lack of love and worth, check. i am not perfect but i have mastered these areas pretty well. at this point i am just persevering. yet beyond the analytics is just the feeling. i know it in my heart because i feel it. being single feels wrong. now is the time for partnership in my life. whether it happens or not wont change the feeling. i don’t need to solve this dilemma. just expressing the feelings. annoying how people wanna think it’s always so equational. plenty of people find life long partners before they have learned to love themselves. plenty of innocent loving people go through horrors for no reason that is logical. syrian refugees are not creating their reality. concepts can only go so far. and speaking of new age annoyance, who said the universe does not have a sense of humor? i call bullshit. sense of humor is beneath it all, the core. what lame wizard decided to take away making humor out of pain, inducing fear in new agers by telling them that they will create more pain by joking? i am fed up with all religious and spiritual ideologies today…minus one. love is all. i work on myself and like a bad ass at that. i got this self growth thing down like a pro…but i am not gonna be naive and believe that i control everything with my vibration. that self growth will roll out the red carpet of everything i want happening. i co-create. people go through intense shit that is not in their control. period. ooh la, i have a bite this morning. scorpio intensity. shit cutting snark. not always gentle. today a grand water trine is happening in the sky. feelings matter today. i am not gonna try to make any of them go away. i may fear aging, but i fear not feelings. watching them as i feel them. space in the diving. finis.