the falcon, the mole, and the crow…

i am back out of the zoomed in experience. a falcon on a tree limb. watching everything pass through my mind and emotional body while outside of myself i go to and from places in the city. maybe it was the jog that catapulted me upward? amazing jog! i love how jogging feels when i haven’t done it in months. songs move my heart and my body pushes all the feelings out of me. there is a sense of elation. a crow slashed me too. i did not realize it till i got home from the run. i was cognizant of her hitting my head. i felt it and looked up to see her on top of a building. when i got into the shower i noticed a large slash across my chest. it must have been from her beak. she tried to hurt me a little bit. i was threatening. this seems to be a theme lately. being seen incorrectly. being an agent of hurt for some creature, when i am not hurtful. becoming ok with this element of living is the task. humans do it all the time. even crows do it. after the jog all of my emotional energy left. passion gone. longing gone. i guess i know now that jogging is medicine for transmutation. but it’s boring, i admit. this success feels like a dull knife. sure, i am not tortured by unmet bonfire passions blazing inside. yet without it, i feel like a mole or something. a little earth rodent going about my business. blah. oh well. watching the mind react. the shadow becomes alluring when life gets boring. the shadow captivates with sadness or intrigue. i get it without being caught in it. i think the real remedy is to laugh and make love, to feel the newness of life. until then, i will be the mole and the falcon. the remedy too shall pass though. perhaps i am tuning into the waning cancer new moon energy. i feel myself waning inside. like air vacating a balloon. it’s all been said and done. a bit of existential blues. spiritually tiresome. painting, writing, all of it seems moot. i started a “tarot card of day” thing on my instagram. today is the seven of pentacles. security or possibility? what is the secure way i respond when i get like this? i just watch the thoughts and feelings until they pass. what is a new possible way to respond? hm, just had the thought to write a short story with a nihilistic main character. to indulge the feeling. that’s what cancer sun wants anyhow. i choose the path less travelled. these blues want me to walk into the unknown, and i will.

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