tuesday mini-rant…

i slept listening to binaural beats for heart chakra healing last night. usually i fall asleep to asmr videos and take off my headphones within a few hours, but the video i chose last night played eight hours and so i awoke this morning still listening to it. that’s eight hours of binaural beats, wow. do i feel different? not sure. i seem to be paying attention to how much my bed and couch are in their last phases of life. i wake up with my lower back slightly hurting just about every morning. the wooden frame is falling apart. my couch has eczema. basically, it is time for a new bed and couch as well as a new home. but nothing feels right yet and i got little dough. i look on craigslist and making a lateral move on the hill is financially not possible. i could leave the hill but i cannot really afford a car yet, and to leave the hill i would need a car…so that’s out. i still feel attached to the hill but i don’t know why. am i meant to stay? i wont be making a decent paycheck for another year and a half, which makes it nearly impossible to move up on my own. i could look for a roommate or roommates to help financially. i am open to this, but also very wary. i like living alone and think i would rather live alone until i can move in with a partner in the future. at the same time, i like the idea of communal living with the right people. the shared expenses would be life changing for the positive. i could have a car and a pet. i could cook for people. i could maybe live in a house with a basement or a shed to paint large pieces in. i could maybe grow kale and tomatoes. what are my priorities? what dreams want physical embodiment? i feel very wary of living with others because i am so energy sensitive. i fear being dominated by others and their need to glom onto me because i am so sensitive and caring and having to waste my energy putting up boundaries to avoid being zapped by personality types unaware of my feelings or unaware of how their energy effects my feelings. how’s that for a run on sentence? many people are like this. and fear likes to run on and on. i notice the fear. i am aware of how picky i am and comfortable with it. i spent a good portion of my life ridding myself of dominating people and the lesson was hard. i would rather live in a studio alone and feel free than to live in the most awesome home ever with energy draining people who unconsciously use me to make them feel better while they have no clue they are doing it. basically if i co-create, it needs to be with self aware people who value independence, conscious co-creation, and harmony. and with people who are clean and value beauty in the home. oh man, i am filled with tall orders. this is ok with me. if i wait till i am making more money and continue to live in shabbiness until then, it’s cool. i do fine in shabbiness. i can make any environment beautiful and comfortable. my apartment still has its charm and comfort. i am grateful. i do crave change now though. i am overflowing with readiness. i will know if a home is right, i always do, i always just feel it. i can trust my feelings. can you tell i am psyching myself into trust? fear lurks with his best friend worry. they are wandering through the shadows discussing all that could go wrong or stagnate. let them discuss. meanwhile, i am gonna do my spiritual practice and my work and continue on this life journey thingy…rant complete.

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