monday mutterings…

another cloudy soft morning. i miss the hot sunny summer days of last year. i could use the energy and warmth right now. sudden surprise to receive such tenderness this season. feeling like a loner. reading and painting. watching “orange is the new black.” total cancer moon day yesterday. drank cold brew, bought gardenia soap, ate a brownie, noticed tiny beauty. walking through the streets i felt irritated with humanity. biggest pet peeve is walking behind a smoker. second biggest pet peeve is loud people talking who trail my aura. i was caught in between both, noticing my aversion sandwich. fifteenth was packed. revelry packed. brunching and talkative affluence. i got annoyed. i wanted serenity and calm. wound up at one cafe to read. at first a reprieve in the air conditioned darkness. but the jazz switched to a loud country love song. i had to leave. crabbiness was upon me. knew i needed solitude. forced myself to paint and it felt like heaven. that’s right, i always forget. colors heal a dehydrated soul. spent quite a few hours in fantasy land. realized how body hungry i am. my own body still sore from injury. hips and sides hurting. this morning feeling much better. back to practice. all i got. remembering a song from a mix tape we would listen to back in vegas. the days i had a roommate and we sort of lived like married people. living alone is a different trip. there is very little venting or relying upon. not much sudden laughter. no obligation other than to self. i miss the way another person’s energy feels mingling with mine in an intimate way. longing returned a month ago and hasn’t left. a languid and persistent house cat. i am not suffering, but there is a constant dull ache, a sarcasm, a sharp perspective, a resignation. animals need. i am not above the animal nor do i care to be. who would have mercy upon me? who would rise above his own fear to ease mine? thank goodness for iris murdoch. i am loving her novel “under the net”. i want to write fiction similar to her style. colloquial, psychological, funny, deep and light at once. revealing. this is why i appreciate the bargain table at elliot bay books. hand picked selections. show me your best. influence me. i am talking about luxuries. not in the space to apologize or be overly concerned with others who don’t have what i have, even if they pop into my mind with every sentence i make. compulsive caring. my dreams from last night are lost. prince was in them. i miss him being alive…

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